The Running Back Mixtape

So I was thinking to myself the other day, "hey self- what if the Denver running backs throughout the Shanahan years were 1990's hip hop songs." I was thinking that because my job is seriously easy. At any rate, I present the official Big Money, No Whammies Running Back Mixtape:

Terrell Davis- obviously, Terrell Davis is the feather in the cap of Mike Shanahan's running back reputation. Without Davis, there'd probably be no lame jokes about Shanahan getting 1000 yards with dudes off the street. Without Davis, there might have been a first round running back in the last decade. And, of course, without Davis there wouldn't be two Super Bowl trophies to keep Pat Bowlen's fur coats warm. So his jam should require the most thought, right? Wrong. Davis is famous for introducing the world to the Mile High Salute. Was it a tribute to the troops? Of course not. It was a tribute to Davis's love for Master P and the No Limit Soldiers. So TD's song is obviously Make Em' Say Uhh!, by Master P.






Mike Anderson- technically speaking, Olandis Gary came next, but that doesn't work for my mixtape purposes. Mike Anderson is a guy who seemingly was always around. He was never an exciting back, and he was rarely the first choice to start. He was just a steady player. To me, Ice Cube is his rap equivalent. He's been around for like 50 years, and none of his albums are the first things to come to my mind when I'm looking for something hot. But he's steady. So Mike Anderson's song is Bop Gun, by Ice Cube.


Olandis Gary- Olandis Gary, in my opinion, was a Broncos running back in theory only. His running style can best be described as "combine a slinky with a sack of potatoes and push it down the stairs." Except replace that with something that makes sense. You watched him do all the requisite things to get his yards, but at the end of the day you kind of thought, "Olandis Gary? Really?" and after he left, he did the right thing and disappeared completely. Paris was kind of like that as a rapper. In theory, he was all gangsta and he really really hated white people. He pretty much just jacked beats from West Coast gangsta rap, and he kind of sounded like Ice Cube, but he still kind of left you thinking, "Paris? Really?" He had one sort-of hit based purely on that formula, and then he disappeared completely. So Olandis Gary's song is Guerrilla Funk, by Paris.


2001- 2001 was the only year without a 1000 yard rusher, because Davis was hurt, and Anderson and Gary were serviceable at best. It didn't help that superstar quarterback Brian Griese lit up the league to the tune of a 78.5 rating. So the running game limped along, and it actually worked okay, but none of the players stood out individually. That reminds me of Freestyle Fellowship, which was a pretty solid underground hip hop collective until Aceyelone decided he was too big for his britches. None of the MC's were anything special solo, but they were pretty serviceable as a group. So in honor of the 2001 running game, I give you Bully of the Block, by Freestyle Fellowship (If I knew how to do it, I would have cut out the ridiculously long intro).

Clinton Portis- oh how I loved Clinton Portis. I loved his style and attitude and swagger. I loved his explosive running style. I loved the way he single-handedly won me a fantasy football championship his rookie year. And I really loved how he shredded the Chiefs (5 touchdowns one game, 4 another. He came in huge, and he's been effective ever since he left, but it's not the same. And now he's gotten kind of weird, what with being linked to Flavor of Love contestants and growing a really long goatee, and all of his wacky costumes. But I still love him. Along those lines is Outkast, who came out the box with one of my favorite albums ever, and have been great ever since. But lately, they've gotten kind of weird, from Andre's album full of crappy love songs, to Bg Boi's Got Purp? nonsense, to the virtually unwatchable Idlewild. But I still love them. So Clinton Portis's entry is my favorite track off the debut album: Myintrotoletuknow, by Outkast.

Quentin Griffin- Quentin Griffin was adorable. Him in a football uniform is like putting a sweater on a dog. Only people who do those things are usually annoying. So it's more like dressing up a monkey in a little sailor suit, because that would be fantastic. He was also about as effective as a running back as a monkey would be as a sailor, which is to say, not very. He burst on the scene with one great game in a meaningless contest, which caused everyone to get super excited, but then it turned out that he didn't really have anything of substance to offer, so away he went. Kind of like Skee-Lo, who burst onto the scene with one great effort on a largely throw away song, causing everyone to get excited, but... you get the idea. Messrs. Griffin and -Lo both cause me to think back fondly on their one shining moment, though, so Q's song is I Wish, by Skee-Lo. Yes, this is kind of a joke

Reuben Droughns- I think Reuben Droughs was actually kind of underrated, because there wasn't much to say about him. He was effective, but he wasn't particularly flashy or fast or powerful or, well, anything. He just kind of was. When he went to Cleveland, I think most Broncos fans expected him to pull an Olandis Gary and disappear, but he didn't. He followed up his Broncos campaign (1240 yards) with 1232 yards for Cleveland, behind a much lesser offensive line. But he remains overshadowed as a Broncos runner, and he wasn't particularly appreciated in Cleveland, because they ran him of in favor of Jamal Lewis. Along those lines is Raekwon, who is an underrated part of Wu-Tang. He's solid and consistent, but he lacks the commercial appeal of Method Man and the straight awesomeness of Ghostface Killah, so he remains largely overlooked. Still both Rube and the Chef are most effective as part of a system, so Reuben Droughns's song is Knuckleheadz, by Raekwon.

Tatum Bell- on paper, Tatum Bell was supposed to be really good. Unfortunately, he had a nasty habit of sabotaging himself by dropping the ball and falling down whenever a linebacker so much as gave him a dirty look. He had the requisite size and blazing speed, but someone really should have changed his position to "carrying back." He had the running part down, but seemed disinclined to take the football with him as he ran. Also, he was lousy blocker. And couldn't catch. Or really execute a cut. It still kind of cracks me up that Lions fans thought Bell was something good when they got him in the Bly trade. To be honest, I really struggled with Bell's song, because I really don't like him, and I don't want to use a song I don't like, or insult a song I do like by stretching. Instead, I'm going to issue him a song ironically, and Slam, by Onyx is- as a song- pretty much the exact opposite of Tatum Bell's running style, since he didn't like to slam into anyone.

Travis Henry- well, we really don't know anything about Travis Henry as a Broncos running back. We know he likes to smoke the demon weed, we know he likes to sex underage ladies, we know he has terrible fashion sense but a snappy beard, and we know Mike Shanahan expects him to get 1500 yards on the ground this year. But he hasn't actually done anything. So there's no song to give him. Instead, I'm just going to give him an awesome song that no one's really heard, Pimps (Free Stylin' At The Fortune 500 Club), by The Coup, because Henry should be an awesome back, but no one's really seen him (as a Bronco). Also, I've already put too much effort into this mixtape, and I'm not really "about" effort.