Broncos Offseason Rodeo.

I haven't really talked about most of the Broncos' offseason moves because, quite frankly, they're boring. So far, the Donkeys have signed Travis Henry, traded for Dre Bly (commentary forthcoming, when all this mess gets sorted out), and signed Dan Graham, Montrae Holland, Paul Smith, Patrick Ramsey, and traded for Dan Wilkinson. Let's give them all a quick slap and tickle, shall we?

• Dan Graham comes home to Denver as the second highest paid tight end in the league, which would be fine if he weren't the third best tight end in the AFC West.
• Montrae Holland is a big fatso who is partially responsible for keeping Jay Cutler upright. I know nothing else about Montrae Holland, but that upright thing is more important because...
• Patrick Ramsey is our new backup QB. Backup QB is always picking off the scrap heap, but even more so this offseason when our top three options were were Aaron Brooks, Anthony Wright, and Patrick Ramsey. According to Big Ben- that's like trying to pick between a toothless girl, a bald girl, and your sister as your prom date. You just have to hope it never comes to picking them up and taking them.* My response was that "of course you take the toothless girl- that way there's no chance at inexperienced biting in the fellatio department in my van after the prom." We decided together that Patrick Ramsey will now be referred to as "The Toothless Prom Date."
• Paul Smith is a backup fullback and apparent special teams ace. He also designs some classy suits.
• Dan Wilkinson is another big fatso, but his responsibility is probably something like "clog the running lanes and take up blockers" which means that he'll end up with no sacks and 12 tackles. He's like the football equivalent of cholesterol. I guess we'll see if he's the good cholesterol or the bad cholesterol ("I'm like a cholesterol halfway house- I think there's good in all of it!")

And that's about it. In other offseason news, Jamal Lewis signed with the Browns for one year, Joe Horn signed with the Falcons, Willis McGahee got traded to the Ravens, Joey Porter signs with the Dolphins, and Adam (I refuse to call him Pac Man) Jones is still six ways from sanity.

*note- special thanks to me for creating that obviously kickass graphic you see up there using my mastery of MS Paint. I should get my own gallery opening or something*