Preseason Week One

Thanks to some special circumstance and even specialer media connections (meaning I don't have much to do, but I do have the NFL Network), I'm able to bring you coverage from all over the league's opening preseason weekend. I've seen a bunch of teams, but here's what I like the least: The stupid NFL Network runs stats and scores on a crawl at the bottom of the screen. So, while I'm watching a pretty exciting Bengals/ Lions game, the bottom of the screen is telling me the result of the Bengals/ Lions game. Idiots. I know it doesn't matter, but throw me a friggin bone. Anyway...

Jon Kitna is going to get killed this year. The Mike Martz offense is specially designed to get the quarterback beaten like a cheap pinata with no blindfold (see also: Warner, Kurt and Bulger, Marc). The offense has a lot of deep route which require pass blocking for an extended amount of time, and doesn't use hot routes. when the QB recognizes a blitz. That's not good for a QB's health. What's worse is when your new right tackle is George Foster, and your new tailback (Tatum Bell), who now has sole responsibility for picking up blitzes, isn't good at blocking in general or picking up blitzes specifically. Have fun with that. However, when he's healthy, Kitna will throw for a shit ton of yards. Calvin Johnson looks like the real deal. He's so smooth, and has such good body control that he looks like he's moving in slow motion, even when he's outrunning everyone else on the field.

The Chiefs look like wet hot hell. The offense was terrible, even against a pretty crap Browns team. Larry Johnson should just bring a tape of that game into his contract negotiations and press play. Speaking of the Browns- Hank Fraley is the worst center in the world. He was shitty when he was in Philadelphia (don't think it's a coincidence that the Eagles didn't run the ball when Fraley was their starter, especially up the middle), and he's shitty now. That said, the left side of that line, Eric Steinbach and Joe Thomas, looked pretty solid, and Eric Wright's going to be a star corner within two years.

Don't believe for a second that Vince Young would have been suspended if this were the regular season.

Now on to the Giants/ Panthers game I'm watching right now. I like the Panthers a lot. I'vebeen a fan ever since (to make a long story short) they got me laid by beating the Cowboys in the playoffs. Also, I hate Eli Manning. Every time I see the Manning family commercial featuring Matt Leinart, I want Archie to say, "pack your shit and get out, Eli. You disgrace the name. From now on, you're Eli Marinovich." Anyway... on the Panthers' first offensive series, Steve Smith recreated the greatest touchdown dance ever- the Kyle Johnson patented pony ride- and the Panthers took the lead. I like Jake Delhomme, but I was pretty excited to see David Carr. I'm an unabashed Carr fan. Not only does he have a strong jaw and deep brown eyes a guy could just get lost in, but he led a comeback against my Colorado Buffaloes that single handedly kept us out of the National Championship game, and catapulted him to the number one pick in the NFL draft. I refuse to believe that such a god among men could be a pro failure. David Carr cost us a shot at a ring (actually- they cost us an even worse embarassment than we suffered against Joey Harrington, but that's not important. By the way, I'm thoroughly convinced we could have beaten any team in the country if we'd played he week after the Big XII Championship Game, because we were rolling, but that's a lament for another time). What was I talking about? Oh yeah- football game or something.

Carl Banks called Jared Lorenzen "the Hefty Lefty or the... you know... Ground Mound of... you know, quarterbacks." Um, that's "Round Mound of Touchdown," Carl Banks. By the way- the most bizarre thing I've seen this preseason is the Giants' preseason play by play guy. He has an absolutely enormous head. His head, on his body, looks like a bad photoshop job, or a big fat bald Bobblehead doll. It's completely mesmerizing. If I had any idea how to use youtube, I would upload the video, but I don't, so you can come over to my house and watch it if you want- I've got the 30 seconds of his head on Tivo. Banks also called the Gants defense "permeable," which is wonderful.

DeSahun Foster looked great, and I fully expect the "Double D's" running crew of DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams to have a big season. I like Dwayne Jarrett (the most impressive college receiver I've ever seen live) and Smith, and Keary Colbert (I hope, at least. Colbert was one of my favorite college players ever). The offensive line looked quick and powerful, and the defense swarmed to the ball and made plays. They need better play from the corners, but Carolina could be a Super Bowl contender, and yet all I see are the Saints and Eagles being touted. Don't sleep on the Panthers.

The Giants looked, well, permeable. To me, it looks lik no one wants to play for Tom Coughlin. Coughlin looks like he's trying to be more of a player's coach, but you can tell that he's just an old curmudgeon, who can't understand these kids and their hippity hop music. I think he likes young curmudgeon Eli Marinovich more than actual talent like Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress. The Giants play like they just want to collect a paycheck and get the hell out of the stadium. One guy I really love (along the same lines as Keary Colbert) is Steve Smith, my favorite receiver from this year's draft.

When the broadcast switched in the second half- to the Panthers' feed- I cringed, because the Panthers' local broadcast is he equivalent of a high school game broadcast on a regional sports network. Simply terrible. On the plus side, Brett Basanez threw a sweet pass for a touchdown, and the Broncos are on tomorrow. I'm done here. Peace out.