Meet Your Newest Fatso

According to Denver Post sycophant Bill Williamson, that giant tub of goo up there is well on his way to becoming your newest Denver Bronco:

According to an NFL source close to the situation, the Broncos are expected to
sign veteran defensive tackle Sam Adams to a one-year contract. The deal,
barring an unexpected breakdown, could be announced as soon as today.

I'm pretty much going to go ahead and report it as fact based on my Williamson to English dictionary. For instance, if he says, "Denver might..." it means he has absolutely no idea what the Denver front office is thinking and can't get past the guy who runs the Dove Valley lawn mowers when he tries to call (sources tell me that it has been updated to a riding mower, so congrats on that!), so he just looks into his Magic 8 Ball and hopes for the best. If he says, "an NFL source..." it means, "a Bronco PR person told me to say in these exact words..." so we can be pretty sure that Sam Adams is coming to Denver.

As for the signing- I guess it's better than the Fat Daddy fiasco, since they didn't have to give up a draft pick and (conceivably) they actually checked to see whether or not he wanted to come to Denver before signing him. Otherwise, I'm pretty nonplussed about the whole thing. I know how much new defensive coordinator Jim Bates loves the enormos lining up inside, and Adams is truly an enormo. Guys his size should really have to wear numbers in the hundreds because two digits doesn't do them justice. But really: Sam Adams? Denver does realize that the Bengals cut him, right? Do they also realize that the Bengals defense sucked? Can the front office at least pretend to sign someone with any sort of perceived upside? The only upside Sam Adams knows at this point is upside down cake (HEY-OH!). I guess our front office remembers what happened the last time they picked up a guy on the rise. Bertrand Berry came in and got all sorts of good, and then he just left us. Dumped us for more money to go to Arizona. It was like marrying a sort of nice looking chick with a good personality and then watching her discover Pilates and fake tits and then leaving us for a dentist in Fort Collins. A fucking dentist? Really, Gina? A dentist? Well fuck you, Gina! Fuck you!

...wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Bert Berry. Well the Broncos and I won't get hurt again. From now on, we're only picking up the mediocre or broken down. The ones who know they can't do any better, so they'll put up with our bullshit. Now go make me a turkey pot pie, bitch.

update: in the time it took me to crap out that rant, the deal apparently became official. Congratulations to me and Bill Williamson and me on the scoop!