... fueled by rage. I absolutely despise both of these teams, so I'm coming to you with nothing but vitriol and icy cold Coors Light. I didn't hate Oklahoma until a bunch of idiot announcers spent this week talking about how they gave away the game last week with one disastrous quarter, without mentioning the very obvious fact that we kicked their asses. You hear that, rednecks? WE KICKED YOUR ASSES.
I've always hated Texas. I hate the team, I hate the uniforms that looked like puked up lox, I hate their asshole fans (except for my friend Emma, who absolutely HATES the Pacific Life Insurance commercials so prevalent in college football broadcasts. How do those damn whales jump up a waterfall? And why do they want to? And what does that have to do with insurance?), and I hate their stupid racist state. I once heard on a radio call in show in Lubbock that the reason Texas Tech sucked was because they had a black quarterback (Zebbie Lethridge) and white receivers, instead of the other way around. This was deemed completely acceptable. By the by- that's the screen shot I promised you last week of the stupid little Oklahoma fan crying after we kicked their asses. You hear that, rednecks? We kicked your asses.
For some reason, a horse is doing the introduction for the Oklahoma offense. I'm guessing it's because he got the closest when reading the telemprompter. So of course the hamburger factory is announcing the Texas defense. I hate these teams so hard.
12:41- Oklahoma can't get anything going, probably because they have too many guys named Joe John or Jim Bob or whatever the fuck their tight end is named.
12:48- Bevo is such a lazy ass. He just stands there. Ralphie could totally kick his ass. I'm still not sure what a Sooner is. I think it has something to do with the land grants and people who literally got there "sooner," which basically they're just proud of killing a bunch of Indians (which they call "Injuns"). Texas has already had to call a timeout, and already has a false start penalty. They're going to get rolled, methinks. Reggie Smith catches the punt and immediately gets lit up. At least he learned how to catch the ball.
12:52- Apparently, the Fighting Manginos of Kansas held on to beat Kansas State, which is a very good thing. Kansas is guaranteed to drop at least 3 Big XII games. I tried to watch the game, but it turned out that both of those teams are boring, and my eyes get sleepy when I watch boring things. Paul Maguire is extremely annoying. He keeps saying, "it is hot, jack!" I'm quite pleasant, Maguire. Sucks on you. Both of these teams look pretty ragged.
1:03- McCoy talks about being "fun," and Maguire says McCoy looks like he's 11 years old, with a little too much love in his voice. So I'm pretty much calling Paul Maguire a pedophile. Everyone knows that Daddy Bear mustaches are the number one symptom of child diddling.
1:06- Grown men who still call fathers "daddy" is extremely creepy. Once your voice breaks, it's only acceptable to call your father "asshole" or "ow, stop hitting me." Wait, that goes for everyone, right?
1:07- That's right, Nessler: 82 CU plays. WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Just ask that crying kid up top.
1:09- Bradford makes the deep throw he couldn't make last week to Juaquin Iglesias. Anyone else think that dude would get crazy laid, just on basis of his name alone? Juaquin Iglesias should be a Latin crooner like the rest of his family, or riding a horse on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. Bradford goes deep again, this time to Malcolm Kelly (which is also a pretty sweet name. I need a friend named Malcolm), and another toss and it's 7-0 Injun killers. Texas should do what we did last week. you know- rush the passer. No, seriously, it totally works.
1:12- the OU commercial plays, and they talk about "the single most important gift of art ever given to a public university." What's an important piece of art? Because the picture they showed looks like something you'd buy at a flea market.
1:13- LSU is #1 in the AP poll, but #2 in the Harris and coaches polls, so I'm sure LSU fans are perfectly content with being #2, right? Because that's the argument they used in aught 3, when the circumstances were reversed. Yeah, I hate SEC fans, too.
1:18- Jesus Christ. Now ABC is showing a giant Cowboy statue saying Howdy. He sounds like a retarded Yogi Bear. Don't these people have any shame? And South Florida goes up by 7 on Florida Atlantic. South Florida has made me a small pile of money so far this year (Auburn, West Fuckin Virginia). That is all.
1:25- The Aflac trivia question is about history, not football. There is zero chance that any fan of Oklahoma or Texas knows the answer to this. Actually, there is zero chance that anyone watching this game knows the answer to this without Wikipedia. McCoy to Jordan Shipley for 6. Extra point by some guy ties the game at 7.
1:37- Bonnie Bernstein's head looks inordinately large. She looks like a Bonnie Bernstein Bobblehead. McCoy goes long for his tight end, who catches the ball and runs. A lot. Texas has the ball on the 27. McCoy splits wide and something called John Chiles is in at QB. He fakes a hand off and runs for a whopping 5 yards. What a bunch of nonsense bluster. Oh- there were 45 states in 1900, to answer the Aflac trivia question.
1:40- McCoy to the tight end again, touchdown. Someone should probably cover him. Just a thought.
1:43- I will give this to Texas: I really want to sex their cheerleaders. I think it a Broncos thing. Chicks dressed in chaps are always sexable. Juaquin Iglesias returns a kick, and Nessler just said, "he's running, not walking..." get it? Juaquin/ Walking? LOL!
1:51- On this day in history, Colorado beat Missourah on the fifth down. Ha! Idiots. That's right, bitches- National Champeens. Don't make me break out the tee shirt. Bradford throws to some random tight end in the and zone, which is the zone for ends, apparently. 14-14. It's tough when you realize that both teams can't lose. Several more icy cold Coors Light's should solve this. The Big XII commercial is a pun on a cooking show. It is exactly as stupid as you might imagine.
1:57- the referee's name is Hugh Douglas, and Nessler says, "Hugh Douglas made a lot of tackles in his day..." This isn't the NFL Hugh Douglas, right? RIGHT? The guy who got into a fist fight with Terrell Owens. I really hope it is. Then ABC shows pig races. So Texas/ Oklahoma, NASCAR, pig races, and that Cavemen show. This is your new ABC Network. Somewhere on the Disney lot is a place to make bathtub gin.
2:10- and we're tied at 14 at the half. The OK punter did the same soccer flop he tried against CU last week, only this time it worked. It didn't matter, though.
2:16- It's halftime, so I check in on Arizona State/ Washington State. It's 3-0 WSU with 8 minutes left in the second quarter. What is this, the Big 10? Score some damn points, assholes! ASU started out slow against CU, too. By the by, I've already lost 3 of the 5 friendly wagers I made this week. I'm relying on CU -9 and Joey Harrington +8 if I want to eat this week.
2:27- Is there anyone else that watches this Verizon commercial featuring the dancing Asian prom date, and just wants to punch him in the face? kthxbye
2:36- GAME ON after the half! And Nessler says that Texas is "tight ending Oklahoma to death..." They totally are. Just so you know- the CU game goes live in less than an hour and a half, so there's going to be a lot less concentration on the parade of hatred.
2:57- DeMarco Murray runs really fast, really far, to make the score 21-14 Oklahoma. I'm not professing to be the most impartial observer, but Colorado has a better defense than Texas.
3:03- And again, Nessler talks about how close Oklahoma was to winning last week. Look, asshole- we gave up 14 points on tipped passes. That's just luck. We almost doubled up on plays, and beat the hell out of them in time of possession. We killed them on third down. Just admit it, rednecks, WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Can everyone see why I now hate Oklahoma?
3:09- Texas crams it up the cram hole from the 1 yard line. tie game once again. This time at 21. The ensuing kickoff featuring DeMarco Murray makes it all the way to 4 yard line. Great job, Oklahoma.
3:21- Bradford deep to Kelly for a touchdown. the same Malcolm Kelly who didn't make a catch against Terrence Wheatley and CU. 28-21 OU
3:25- Reggie Smith intercepts a pass as the announcers do their best to not blame the QB's. Look, there are tipped passes, and there are passes that are just thrown too high. This was the latter. If OU scores right now, I think this game's over. Which just gives me more reason to pay attention to CU/ Baylor.
3:33-...buuuut, they didn't. McCoy and UT back with the ball. And now the CU pregame is up, and I love more than I hate, so I'm having a hard time paying attention. It's really disconcerting that Texas has see through pants. Disconcerting meaning gross.
3:58- Oklahoma basically just runs out the clock, and gets the win 28-21. So CU>OU> UT. sounds right.
I've always hated Texas. I hate the team, I hate the uniforms that looked like puked up lox, I hate their asshole fans (except for my friend Emma, who absolutely HATES the Pacific Life Insurance commercials so prevalent in college football broadcasts. How do those damn whales jump up a waterfall? And why do they want to? And what does that have to do with insurance?), and I hate their stupid racist state. I once heard on a radio call in show in Lubbock that the reason Texas Tech sucked was because they had a black quarterback (Zebbie Lethridge) and white receivers, instead of the other way around. This was deemed completely acceptable. By the by- that's the screen shot I promised you last week of the stupid little Oklahoma fan crying after we kicked their asses. You hear that, rednecks? We kicked your asses.
For some reason, a horse is doing the introduction for the Oklahoma offense. I'm guessing it's because he got the closest when reading the telemprompter. So of course the hamburger factory is announcing the Texas defense. I hate these teams so hard.
12:41- Oklahoma can't get anything going, probably because they have too many guys named Joe John or Jim Bob or whatever the fuck their tight end is named.
12:48- Bevo is such a lazy ass. He just stands there. Ralphie could totally kick his ass. I'm still not sure what a Sooner is. I think it has something to do with the land grants and people who literally got there "sooner," which basically they're just proud of killing a bunch of Indians (which they call "Injuns"). Texas has already had to call a timeout, and already has a false start penalty. They're going to get rolled, methinks. Reggie Smith catches the punt and immediately gets lit up. At least he learned how to catch the ball.
12:52- Apparently, the Fighting Manginos of Kansas held on to beat Kansas State, which is a very good thing. Kansas is guaranteed to drop at least 3 Big XII games. I tried to watch the game, but it turned out that both of those teams are boring, and my eyes get sleepy when I watch boring things. Paul Maguire is extremely annoying. He keeps saying, "it is hot, jack!" I'm quite pleasant, Maguire. Sucks on you. Both of these teams look pretty ragged.
1:03- McCoy talks about being "fun," and Maguire says McCoy looks like he's 11 years old, with a little too much love in his voice. So I'm pretty much calling Paul Maguire a pedophile. Everyone knows that Daddy Bear mustaches are the number one symptom of child diddling.
1:06- Grown men who still call fathers "daddy" is extremely creepy. Once your voice breaks, it's only acceptable to call your father "asshole" or "ow, stop hitting me." Wait, that goes for everyone, right?
1:07- That's right, Nessler: 82 CU plays. WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Just ask that crying kid up top.
1:09- Bradford makes the deep throw he couldn't make last week to Juaquin Iglesias. Anyone else think that dude would get crazy laid, just on basis of his name alone? Juaquin Iglesias should be a Latin crooner like the rest of his family, or riding a horse on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. Bradford goes deep again, this time to Malcolm Kelly (which is also a pretty sweet name. I need a friend named Malcolm), and another toss and it's 7-0 Injun killers. Texas should do what we did last week. you know- rush the passer. No, seriously, it totally works.
1:12- the OU commercial plays, and they talk about "the single most important gift of art ever given to a public university." What's an important piece of art? Because the picture they showed looks like something you'd buy at a flea market.
1:13- LSU is #1 in the AP poll, but #2 in the Harris and coaches polls, so I'm sure LSU fans are perfectly content with being #2, right? Because that's the argument they used in aught 3, when the circumstances were reversed. Yeah, I hate SEC fans, too.
1:18- Jesus Christ. Now ABC is showing a giant Cowboy statue saying Howdy. He sounds like a retarded Yogi Bear. Don't these people have any shame? And South Florida goes up by 7 on Florida Atlantic. South Florida has made me a small pile of money so far this year (Auburn, West Fuckin Virginia). That is all.
1:25- The Aflac trivia question is about history, not football. There is zero chance that any fan of Oklahoma or Texas knows the answer to this. Actually, there is zero chance that anyone watching this game knows the answer to this without Wikipedia. McCoy to Jordan Shipley for 6. Extra point by some guy ties the game at 7.
1:37- Bonnie Bernstein's head looks inordinately large. She looks like a Bonnie Bernstein Bobblehead. McCoy goes long for his tight end, who catches the ball and runs. A lot. Texas has the ball on the 27. McCoy splits wide and something called John Chiles is in at QB. He fakes a hand off and runs for a whopping 5 yards. What a bunch of nonsense bluster. Oh- there were 45 states in 1900, to answer the Aflac trivia question.
1:40- McCoy to the tight end again, touchdown. Someone should probably cover him. Just a thought.
1:43- I will give this to Texas: I really want to sex their cheerleaders. I think it a Broncos thing. Chicks dressed in chaps are always sexable. Juaquin Iglesias returns a kick, and Nessler just said, "he's running, not walking..." get it? Juaquin/ Walking? LOL!
1:51- On this day in history, Colorado beat Missourah on the fifth down. Ha! Idiots. That's right, bitches- National Champeens. Don't make me break out the tee shirt. Bradford throws to some random tight end in the and zone, which is the zone for ends, apparently. 14-14. It's tough when you realize that both teams can't lose. Several more icy cold Coors Light's should solve this. The Big XII commercial is a pun on a cooking show. It is exactly as stupid as you might imagine.
1:57- the referee's name is Hugh Douglas, and Nessler says, "Hugh Douglas made a lot of tackles in his day..." This isn't the NFL Hugh Douglas, right? RIGHT? The guy who got into a fist fight with Terrell Owens. I really hope it is. Then ABC shows pig races. So Texas/ Oklahoma, NASCAR, pig races, and that Cavemen show. This is your new ABC Network. Somewhere on the Disney lot is a place to make bathtub gin.
2:10- and we're tied at 14 at the half. The OK punter did the same soccer flop he tried against CU last week, only this time it worked. It didn't matter, though.
2:16- It's halftime, so I check in on Arizona State/ Washington State. It's 3-0 WSU with 8 minutes left in the second quarter. What is this, the Big 10? Score some damn points, assholes! ASU started out slow against CU, too. By the by, I've already lost 3 of the 5 friendly wagers I made this week. I'm relying on CU -9 and Joey Harrington +8 if I want to eat this week.
2:27- Is there anyone else that watches this Verizon commercial featuring the dancing Asian prom date, and just wants to punch him in the face? kthxbye
2:36- GAME ON after the half! And Nessler says that Texas is "tight ending Oklahoma to death..." They totally are. Just so you know- the CU game goes live in less than an hour and a half, so there's going to be a lot less concentration on the parade of hatred.
2:57- DeMarco Murray runs really fast, really far, to make the score 21-14 Oklahoma. I'm not professing to be the most impartial observer, but Colorado has a better defense than Texas.
3:03- And again, Nessler talks about how close Oklahoma was to winning last week. Look, asshole- we gave up 14 points on tipped passes. That's just luck. We almost doubled up on plays, and beat the hell out of them in time of possession. We killed them on third down. Just admit it, rednecks, WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Can everyone see why I now hate Oklahoma?
3:09- Texas crams it up the cram hole from the 1 yard line. tie game once again. This time at 21. The ensuing kickoff featuring DeMarco Murray makes it all the way to 4 yard line. Great job, Oklahoma.
3:21- Bradford deep to Kelly for a touchdown. the same Malcolm Kelly who didn't make a catch against Terrence Wheatley and CU. 28-21 OU
3:25- Reggie Smith intercepts a pass as the announcers do their best to not blame the QB's. Look, there are tipped passes, and there are passes that are just thrown too high. This was the latter. If OU scores right now, I think this game's over. Which just gives me more reason to pay attention to CU/ Baylor.
3:33-...buuuut, they didn't. McCoy and UT back with the ball. And now the CU pregame is up, and I love more than I hate, so I'm having a hard time paying attention. It's really disconcerting that Texas has see through pants. Disconcerting meaning gross.
3:58- Oklahoma basically just runs out the clock, and gets the win 28-21. So CU>OU> UT. sounds right.
1 comment:
Yo, I noticed that "Trivia" question too. WTF? Is Alex Trebek writing those? I was down in Dallas/Waco this weekend. Got some hardcore "look at this ahole" looks from OU fans for sporting my CU gear. One.
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