Just Catch The GD Ball

ugh, so work has been kicking my ass all week, so there's no time for the kind of in depth analysis and misogynistic joke combinations that one would expect from such a reputable and upstanding blog as this. But here's the quick recap.

I love truck stops in the middle of nowhere. They always have the weirdest combination of shit you could ever hope to see. VHS copy of Austin Powers? Mesh hat with an eagle on it? Disgusting hot dog treadmill of bacteria? check, check, and check. At a gas station on the way from LA to Las Vegas, they have 4 foot long ropes of beef jerkey. At one of the places at which we stopped on the way to Tucson, they had a Cruisin' USA video game. you remember the one- you sit in a seat and pretend to drive a car. Which is exactly what I want to do while taking a break from a long trip driving a car.

I've been to a lot of places in my day, and I can say without a shred of hyperbole that Arizona is the worst place in the history of places. It's the hottest place I have ever been in my life, and I was trapped inside a burning building last week. Luckily I kicked a hole in a wall, saved the crying baby, and leaped to safety from the second story window. Call me, ladies!

Where was I- oh yeah, Arizona sucks. Whatever. I got to sing the fight song about a thousand times, starting in the bar before the game. We also some some guys with a spectacular amount of dedication, because they were wearing fur buffalo hats in 106 degree heat. Someone commented on my 1990 National Champeenship tee shirt (Chazz Johnson- M-V-P!) and said, "dude- that is fucking old." I responded by saying, "you're just jealous because no one makes 'Jake Plummer almost won the Rose Bowl' or 'Once we led USC at halftime' tee shirts." After the consumption of many icy cold Coors lights (and at least one glass of something disgusting looking called "Zuma Juice" by my buddy El Jefe, we wandered to the game on the coat tails of three big black guys, who were rolling a blunt. They were impressed with my knowledge of JJ Flannigan.

Luckily, the sun had gone down by game time. It was only 102. Fuck Arizona. I sweated through my clothes and was completely dripping by the end of the first quarter, and not in the good way. Quite frankly, it's for the best that CU lost. If I had to keep up first quarter like levels of cheering and singing and singing and chanting and singing, I would be in the hospital right now. No joke.

On to the game... From the wonderful seats we got from the university (second deck, corner of the end zone), it was tough to make out a whole lot, but I think I can safely say the following: catch the fucking ball, Patrick Williams. 5 drops is unacceptable. That goes for the rest of you assholes as well. Look- if the receivers catch the ball in the vertical passing game, the Sun Devils have to commit to more than just single coverage. As it was, they didn't do anything. They completely ignored all of the goofy formation changes and motion, lined up, punched us in the face, and dared Littlehawk to find an open receiver. Which he rarely did, because he was usually getting pressured by the extra defenders in the box, so he would just chuck the ball to where the receiver was supposed to be. And when he did hit a receiver running vertically, that receiver would swat at it like a little girl afraid of getting stung by a bee. Also- enough with the sideline out routes. Littlehawk doesn't have the arm for the throw. At best, your receiver catches it and immediately gets eviscerated by a cornerback. At worst, it's a pick six.

If we catch the balls thrown, we add 3 touchdowns. That's 35 points, which is more than the 33 Arizona State scored. This is not what was possible- this is what SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED if our receivers act like division one football, brother wide receiver. Until then we might just want to pick someone up off of intramurals.

UP NEXT:

The Fighting Bowden's of Florida State. Another team with disgustingly ugly uniforms, but this time it's a team from sea level coming way up in the air to play a game after Grandpa Bowden should long ago have finished his glass of rye, clicked off Matlock and climbed one of those beds that you can make move up and down. Drew Weatherford is a bad QB, and their receivers (the unfortunately named D'Cody Fagg and Greg Carr) have been maddeningly underwhelming (for Seminole fans), so this should allow Terrence Wheatley to again be the man beast next evolution of human that he has been in each of the first two games. If I was a scientist, I'd study him, name him the first t-wheat sapien and win a prize in anthropology. Do they have prizes in anthropology? Or just sweet fedoras and leather jackets and whips like Indiana Jones?

Buffs fans are expected to get their first look at man mountain Ryan Miller, the top recruit from last year, as well defensive end Conrad Obi, and receiver Josh Smith, who was a standout in camp before bruising a kidney. Colorado's top ranked player of this year is SLB Jon Major, and he'll be up for his official visit. He went to Oklahoma last year and reportedly loved it. So the onus is on you, Bighawk. On my signal- unleash hell...

.... or at least heck.