Sam Speaks II

Hi, it's me again- Sam. A lot of people have been complaining about the way we played the other day, especially the annoying yet sexy asshole who let's me blog here, so I wanted to address that.

First- we didn't even want to win that game, or play defense. That was the game plan. We were just in Dallas to work out with the Cowboys and get a free meal at Jerry Jones's house. His illegal cook makes really good tacos. And burritos. And Nachos. And waffles. Bates- Jim Bates, the defensive coordinator- he drew up the gameplan on a stripper's ass the night before the game, when we were hanging out with T.O. and Deion Sanders, and Irvin at Cabaret Royale. but then Bates and Irvin got into an argument because Bates wanted Irvin to take off his stupid yellow Hall of Fame jacket, which smelled like stale whiskey and ass, but Irvin didn't want to, and they were both drinking, so the next thing you know, bottles are flying and we're getting thrown out, and the stripper didn't really want to go so we had to work extra hard to get her into the trunk of the car, but the gameplan got all smeared, so we were up shit creek the next day ("Up shit creek" was what Deion kept saying he wanted to do to that stripper, but I don't really know what that meant, and anyway, we left him at the club. So we didn't even know what was what.

2nd- those other guys really wanted to win. They kept blitzing that ugly kid who plays quarterback for our team. I think his name is Cutlery. Anyway- they kept blitzing him. I think the Cowboys guy, who is Bum Phillips's fat daughter, I think she had it out for the Broncos. I bet Bates turned her down for a charity screw at a convention or something. you know what else Bum's daughter used to do? She used to be on the Drew Carey Show. This here on the right is her with a pretty nice hat:

So anyway, that's what happened. We didn't even care. Sucks for all those Texans that had to pay all that money to watch us. It's not like they had anything better to do. what do people do for fun in Texas, anyway? Executions and racism are like the official state hobbies.

So then, me and Leonard Davis went out to eat. Davis is Big. No, like that's what people call him- Big. I guess his friends aren't very creative. So me and Big go out to eat, and we start talking about my idea. It turns out that chickens do have ribs, but the ribs don't have any meat on them. So we're gonna open a restaurant called Rib Stickin' Ribs & Chicken, and all were gonna sell is chicken and ribs. And maybe spaghetti. Big really likes spaghetti. Then I start talking about my kids. I've got 2 kids. My friend Joe has one kid, and he named his kid Joe too, but not after him. He named his kid after Mean Joe Greene. I thought that was pretty cool, but I don't really like Mean Joe Greene, so I named my kids after guys I really like. So I start showing Big pictures of Aunt Jemima and Dig Dug, but I don't see them much, so I don't have much to talk about. Then we had a burping contest. I've got to go now. Something reminded me that, um, I really need to check my trunk. Something's starting to stink in there.