Big Money, No Whammies

2007-11-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

I think I'm done.

I just don't have the time to continue the blog.
Thanks to everyone who reads this. It's been great.

2007-10-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Much Like The Broncos' Offense,

I'm taking this week off. I watched the game. I wasn't pleased. I also chose a job which had the primary responsibilities of playing on the internet and talking to the cute Asian chick around the corner. Unfortunately, my boss had the audacity to (GASP!) promote me, so I'm forced to spend this week learning new shit and figuring out how to goof off and write about sports on the internet. The nerve of my boss. THIS WILL NOT STAND I TELL YOU. She should have just given me a raise and then not made me do stuff, because I was promoted based on my merits, and my strongest merits are screwing off and looking handsome in my business casual clothes- which enhance, but don't flaunt- my figure.

At any rate- if I get a chance, I'll dump something up later this week about the big CU wins (at Texas Tech, scoring 5* linebacker Jon Major), and the Broncos' crapfest. for more info- check the sidebar, because those guys are pretty sweet.

2007-10-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Well I Definitely Didn't See That Coming

And if you say you did, you're a damn liar. I'm not talking about the win. I'm talking about Pittsburgh completely abandoning the run game despite facing the worst run defense in the world. Doesn't it seem like a lot of NFL coaches outsmart themselves? It's like Shanahan running the up back into the line in the red zone. "We don't want o do what they would EXPECT or anything" Well, who gives a shit if the opposition expects it, if they can't stop it?

BIG MONEY:

Dre Bly. One pick, and what should have been three more despite playing on a bum shoulder.
Jay Cutler. The picks don't really bug me. As I've said before, I pretty much expect one or 2 piss poor decisions a game. But he did a good job avoiding the outside rush and getting the ball to his weapons, his biggest of which (Javon Walker) wasn't active. And what about that run? Hilarious. I nicknamed Cutler "I think I can" during that run. Chugga chugga chugga chugga...
The lines. Both of them were pretty good. The O-line is decimated by injuries but did a generally good job in pass protection (not so much in the run game). The defensive line was getting consistent pressure all night (Dumervil most of all), even though Roethlisberger did a pretty good job moving around in the pocket. I keep reading about how the Broncos finally started blitzing, but I didn't see it. As John Madden reminded you on every play, Denver played a lot of cover 2 with the linebackers dropping into coverage. Most of the pressure came from up front.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

The prevent defense. Has there ever been anything in the world that failed more consistently than the prevent defense? Why do teams continue to use it? Cowardice is the only answer.
Dan Graham. He had one great catch and a nice block downfield, but he was pretty pathetic in pass protection.
John Lynch. He is an embarrassment. A big personal foul and another week of consistently coming in after he play to do little more than help up the opposing ball carrier (heh- ball carrier).
Arsonists. Seriously- pretty much all of Southern California is on fire, an a lot of them were purposely set. I understand crimes like theft. Who wouldn't want a free Escalade? But crimes like arson and vandalism just seem pointless to me. You don't get anything for it, and it causes a lot of problems. Do you just hate California? Because SoCal is a pretty chill spot. We've got the porn capitol of the world (AKA my bedroom. At least that's what your mom said), we've got sweet beaches and USC song girls and Randy's Donuts. there's no reason to light it on fire. The air is shitty enough as it is.

STOP!
The chick who was here on Sunday thinks Shanahan's face looks like bacon, so she dubbed him Bacon Face, which you can expect to read around here, because it really rolls off the tongue. She may care more about the handsomeness of Champ Bailey than anything that happens during the game, but she can spin a joke. Literally A joke, because that was pretty much her first and last one. Has there ever been a funnier commercial than the Aflac commercial with the goat? I say no. I LOL literally every single time that goat comes out. Nah! nah! nah! I have no idea what Aflac is, but I will definitely purchase their product or service. Of course, I also laugh when a football announcer says "penetration" so maybe I'm not the best representation of humor. Also great is the movie I am currently watching- Happy Feet. Penguins are fucking awesome. I want a pet penguin.

Oh, and in closing- GO ROX!

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Now playing: Jay-Z - Roc Boys (And The Winner Is)
via FoxyTunes

2007-10-22T15:27:00.001-07:00

God Damn you, Brandon Marshall

I'll get around to the game shortly, but first, from the AP:

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. (AP) -- Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence early Monday. Marshall was pulled over in downtown Denver shortly after 2 a.m., police Lt. Ron Saunier said. His arrest came hours after the Broncos defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-28 in Denver. Marshall was issued a summons and was released. Broncos team officials said they were aware of the arrest but had no comment.

So now Brandon Marshall has racked up 2 arrests, has shot off his mouth about fan support, and has had his cousin at least partially responsible for Darrent Williams getting shot. I guess he must have minored in Jackass at Wide Receiver University.

2007-10-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

No One Likes RatFace

So it looks like Simeon Rice has been talking to Darryl Gardner, because yesterday he went off on the Denver coaching staff. you can read the article for yourself, but here is the most relevant quote:

"I'm really just trying to lock myself in and just make it through the year
because I have no idea why I've been brought here - at all," he said. "Things
have been said. Things have been promised. Things have been told. And I'm at the
point where I'm ready to perform and help this team out. They don't have
anything like me on this defense. But it is what it is."

Really, I think a lot of people had no idea why you were brought in. And here's my favorite quote: "I ain't going to nobody. I've already conversated," he said. Really? Conversated? Jesus Christ athletes are idiots.

2007-10-18T16:09:00.001-07:00

Some Odds and Ends

Javon Walker going under the knife. Javon's finally throwing down on the surgery tip for the knee injury that has kept him out for the last few games. And limited early in the season. And less than 100% last year. And out all the year before that. Uh oh. At this point, if Javon ends up as anything better than a pirate captain with a peg leg, we'll have to consider it a victory. Unless he became Captain Morgan. That guy is awesome.

Stephen Alexander was placed on IR. which, of course, means Denver re-signed Chad Mustard. At this point, I can't even find a joke in this because it's pretty much a joke itself. I hereby become the first person to call for his enlistment returning punts. Oh wait...

The Buffs finally got a recruit. 4* running back Ray Polk, from Arizona has given CU his oral. Um, commitmentwise, that is. 5* linebacker Lynn Katoa has also added the Buffs to his list, and will be visiting campus this weekend.

I didn't watch the game. I made last weekend my bye week as well. I was in San Francisco and quite drunk by the time the CU game was on, and although I watched some of it, I don't really remember much. I'm forwarding through the game on Tivo slowly, but it's kind of depressing. NEXT UP: The Kansas Jayhawks, who are undefeated and atop the North division. In football. No, seriously.

2007-10-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Super Bowl Even Ruineder

You might remember when we reported that Ryan Fucking Seacrest signed on the host the Super Bowl halftime show (if you don't, well, he did. I'm too lazy to go find and link to the original article), which officially ruined the Super Bowl half time show. Now, Sports By Brooks is reporting that the musical performers will be...

...drum roll please...

... THE EAGLES!!!! If you were expecting something fun or interesting, well now would be the time you hear that "Wah wah wah waaaaah" sound in your head. It's like on Let's Make a Deal when you pass up what's in the box for what's behind door number 2. Then they open door number 2 and it's just a goat eating a tin can. Yep- that's the Eagles. It could've been even worse. The article says that they really wanted Garth Brooks. I had no idea he was still alive. I thought Chris Gaines killed him.

It's not like anyone was really expecting something cool, because the half time show has been going down hill ever since MTV got a hold of it and suddenly it was just a bunch of weird medleys (I've got it- let's have Kid Rock, Britney Spears, Aerosmith, Justin Timberlake, Run DMC, and the Wiggles all on stage together. It'll be brilliant!), but this about does it for me. Just bring back the Bud Bowl and be done with it. I've got a good feeling about Bud Ice this year!

Next year they'll probably just show that clip of the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, or a video taped message from Wilfred Brimley explaining why you kids should stay off his lawn, and then a bunch of fireworks, and then some culturally diverse kids running around with flags and holding hands to show unity. And then they release some peace doves, followed by a fly by from the Blue Angels. Only the doves are still there, so they get sucked into the engines, killing the doves and causing the Blue Angels to crash into the stands. Long story short- it turns out to be Bill Belicheck's fault, so he forfeits the Super Bowl and gives up all his draft picks. And his scowl- he has to give that up too. You could say that I've put to much time into this, but you gotta admit- that's gonna be pretty great. Wait, what were we talking about?

2007-10-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

Get Your Heads Out of your Asses

Why can't these assholes ever just call a spade a spade? In this here article, a whole bunch of guys, from Cutler to Bates to Lynch to Bailey just keep saying, "it's the little things" over and over again. I already alluded to Shanahan's press conference, where he said that he's "not worried” about the state of his team going into the bye, and that major changes will not be made to the defense. We’ve just got to get better at what we’re doing.” I call shenanigans. Why can't one person just man up and say, "look, we fucking sucked. We know we sucked, you know we sucked, and we have to correct our suckitude." Because it's an insult to every fan on the planet to just say that it's about the little things, and just stay the course. a 38 point loss is not a little thing- it is a very big thing.

And this from Mason's latest nugget of wisdom:

"Sports Illustrated’s Jim Trotter chimed in from the back of the room.
Trotter: “Did you see any quit out there?”

Shanahan: “No, I didn’t see any quit, did you?”

Trotter: “I saw a couple of guys that maybe didn’t want (to be out there).”

Shanahan: “Oh, I don’t think so. I don’t think you saw any quit.”

Shanahan then reiterated a point he made about the loss being on his shoulders, said “Thanks,” and walked away. Normally, Shanahan will look around and say, “Anything else?” before saying “Thanks” and leaving the podium. Accusing players of quitting — or even inferring the idea — is to attack at the heart of a player or coach’s existence; it’s like a below-the-belt punch in a boxing match. That’s something you just don’t ask right after the worst home loss in nearly 41 years. Emotions are as raw as the second-half weather Sunday. Scabs have yet to form. The blood still squirts from new wounds."

Although the timing may not have been great, the fact remains- Brandon Marshall fucking quit. Once again, to say, as Shanahan did, "I don't think you saw any quit" is a goddamn insult. Listen, mutherfucker- don't you tell me what I did and didn't see. Anyone who was watching could see that he quit. To tell me what I saw makes you either a liar, an idiot, or a complete egomaniac. Which is it? I'm done defending this organization (whatever meager defense it was to begin with). Fire the lot of them and Hire Cowher. Or Schottenheimer like my buddy Chad Peter says, or anyone.

...actually- don't hire Schottenheimer. Ever. screw Chad Peter.

2007-10-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

Around The League

The Falcons go ODB all over Michael Vick. It appears as though an arbitrator (who is called a "special master," which is awesome) has decided that Vick owes the Falcons almost $20 million. That's a lot of Dimp! (you see, the ODB reference was to a song called Got Your Money, where he says, "girl you better gimme my money!" and Vick has to give the Falcons his... oh shut up.)

The Panthers must really like The Odd Couple. They signed old and ugly Vinny Testeverde to back up young and dashing David Carr. Really? Testeverde? Eh, whatever. I'm sure Vinny's flying off the shelves of your local fantasy football warehouse stores as we speak.

The 49ers buy a theme park. I'd make some sort of joke here about the roller coaster the 49ers lead their fans on every Sunday, but I'm better than that.

Mack Strong is retiring. Despite the greatest name for a fullback ever, Seahawks FB Mack Strong has injured his spine and will retire immediately. I'm not generally one to give fantasy sports advice, since I suck at it, but I'm guessing Shaun Alexander, from here on out, is worth exactly jack shit.

Around the world- Freddy Adu is back on the US roster for a friendly against noted cheese mavens the Swiss. In fact, I think that's their nickname- the Switzerland Cheese Mavens, Also Featuring Watches. And Chocolate. And Neutrality. It's not a great nickname, that's for sure. It takes up the whole front of their jerseys. Stupid Swiss.

Another Bengal got arrested. This time it's Jonathan Joseph, who was arrested in Kentucky. Note to the NFL- there is nothing good that ever happens, or ever will happen in Kentucky. It should be banned altogether as a potential leisure spot.

Christina Simms goes on IR. Thus ending the season, and likely the Tampa Bay career, of the greatest quarterback in Powder Puff football history.

Chris Myers is the new Denver center. He replaces Tom Nalen. this means nothing good, mind you, but it's really not that interesting to discuss the potential implications of one fatso replacing another fatso. The first fatso was better. Ta Da! I'm an analyst! I was almost as interested in this news as I was in reading the crawl above this article that read "Accident near Pecos Street causing lengthy delays on eastbound U.S. 36."

2007-10-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

Double Up, Son!

With CU's 43-23 win over the Baylor Bears, we just doubled up on our win total from last year. We're alone atop the Big XII North with a 2-0 conference record, and I'm starting to scout bowl locations. Good- Tempe, San Diego. Bad- um, pretty much everywhere else. Seriously, I'm not going to the Sun Bowl or the Texas Bowl.

Because I'm a huge nerd, I listened to the internet radio feed, and I can honestly say that we should have won by more. We should have put up 60, easy. And there are few more satisfying feelings than putting up 40+ points and knowing that you played a pretty mediocre game. Te running game is finally clicking, HawkSpawn is managing the game, the receivers are catching the ball, and the defense (despite the stats) is dominating. I believe that the difference between elite level programs and the have nots isn't in the playmakers, or even in the QB. The difference is in the ability to bring in the big fatsos, and also depth. The depth issue, we're working on, but the fatsos are good. The offensive line is starting to click, and Hypolite/ Nicolas/ Perri is as good a tackle rotation you'll find outside of Baton Rouge.

That's all I've got- great, satisfying win against one of the many teams that beat us last year (and the year before- sigh).

UP NEXT:
Most importantly, Kansas State owns the worst promotional The Kansas State Shitty Mascots. The Kansas State strengths are easy to point out- one is approximately 9 feet tall and weighs the same as a Buick. He plays quarterback. The other one catches passes from the Buick and has th name of a twelve year old girl. The end. Freeman isn't the most mobile Qb in the game- think Leftwich with a peg leg, so ou defense should locateand attack. On the other side, I really like the T-Wheat/ Jordy Nelson match up. KSU will move him aroundan get him the ball, but Wheatley should severely limit the deep threat. On the flippity flop, KSU represents the first 3-4 defense we've faced, so it'll be interesting to see how our young offensive line and freshman QB can handle it. If they can hang- CU will win. Ta Da!video in the history of the world:

First, I'd like you to note that Kansas State can't afford an entire mascot costume- they just have the head. Second, you have idiot half mascot playing the worst air guitar ever, and then something called a power towel. Now, when I was in high school, I had a power towel too. That's what I called my throw rag. I'm pretty sure an entire stadium full of them would intimidate me, too.

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Now playing: NYG'z - What Kinda Life
via FoxyTunes

2007-10-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Buffs Recruiting Is On Fire!

No, like literally- on fire. Scout.com 4 star tight end Dion Jordan, who visited CU on 9/21, "was hospitalized Saturday afternoon after an attempt to siphon gas from an inoperable car resulted in a fire that left Jordan with third-degree burns over 30 percent of his body, Chandler football coach Jim Ewan said.Ewan said the accident took place around noon when Jordan and some friends tried to remove gas from a car that was not working to put in a vehicle that was. A fire resulted that burned Jordan up and down both arms and shoulders and from his knees to his toes on both legs."

Um, I'm not really sure how to feel about this. On one hand, I feel bad for an 18-year-old kid who's now deformed. On another hand, I have a hard time feeling bad for a kid who is stupid enough to try and siphon gas from a car in the first place. On a third hand, he's apparently a really good player, is highly recruited, and yet still considering CU. On a 4th hand, is he worth recruiting if, say, this turns out to be not his car he's siphoning gas from? On a 5th hand, (seriously- 5 hands. There are several tribes in Africa who worship me. Also, It's really tough to buy sweater vests), is it worth recruiting him, period? According to the article, he's going to require skin grafts and be hospitalized for at least a month. Will he play after that, like, ever?

If all of these hands give a thumbs up, then I say let's get him, offering the many wonders of hippie lotions and their healing powers. And in that case, we wish you all the heartiest of get wells from the Colorado Buff faithful. But if he ends up going to Nebraska or USC, then man, what a dumbass. I mean who lights themselves on fire unless it's a political statement in the middle east, right?

*actually, I kid because I care- all joking aside, we offer best wishes no matter what. We empathize with your current plight and wish you a speedy recovery, as well as only the finest in sponge baths from large breasted female nurses. If you choose to go to Nebraska, you are a dumbass for many different reasons.

Since we're talking recruiting, 4 star safety Brandon Smith (#6 nationally) talked to Scout about his visit to CU on Oklahoma weekend. Smith currently lists only Michigan and Colorado as "high interest" insofar as those are the only 2 places he's visited. He came with three of his high school teammates, 4 star OG (aw, yeah) Dalton Freeman, and already committed Will Pericak.

2007-10-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

So Crumbles The House of Cards

We're gonna need that coat back, Mike.

I'm going to go ahead and call this as the absolute bottom of the barrel. Denver's been teetering in the breeze for a while now, what with 13-3 leading to 9-7 and all. Then comes this season and Ben Hamilton's done for the year. Rod Smith is physically unable to perform (and I've heard nothing suggesting that he's ready to return). Javon Walker's been out because of his surgically repaired knee. John Lynch missed time. And now Tom Nalen may be out for a while, and Champ Bailey, Brandon Stokley, and Nate Jackson all come out of the weekend hurting. Not to mention our 40 million dollar pot head running back. To top it off, Denver just gave up 41 points to a Norv turner coached team, while acquiring only 3 of their own against a Ted Cottrell coached defense. Both of those coaches, by the way, are terrible. So can it really get any worse? I don't think it can. even if we lose out the season (not bloody likely), I will still look back at this week as the low point. Everything else will just be struggling to maintain that same low point.

Now there are going to be a lot of people calling for Shanahan's head, but even though I've been more critical of him than just about anyone, you won't hear it from me. Not to say that I adore the guy, I just don't believe Shanahan is necessarily the problem. I believe that college scouting and the position coaches are where the problems lie. I don't want Bill Cowher. I am fine with Shanahan and a completely new set of position coaches (less Bobby Turner) along with a new director of college scouting. There just needs to be an influx of new ideas, which we haven't had as long as Shanahan has been in charge. Holmgren didn't make the Super Bowl when he was the boss of everything, either. I don't want Urban Meyer, I want Dan Mullen- his offensive coordinator. For too long, this team has been put together with bandaids and a wish, and it's led to some decidedly less than mediocre seasons, despite extremely mediocre talent. Now it's being exposed. Put it this way- I think it's very telling that high school and college players have 4 years with a coach, and then move on. At some point, the team gets stale, they become numb to the message, and the coaching gets staid and stubborn. I believe this to be the case.

I think it's best that we just completely forget this game ever happened, so I'm not going to recap. Let's just say that Denver sucked in every way possible to suck (much like your mom- ZING!). I would like to single out something Brandon Marshall said following the loss:

"Don't boo us when we're down," he pleaded. "That's bandwagon. ... I love you
all to death, but at the same time, that's not first class."

Even though I wasn't at the game, so I couldn't leave early or boo, I'm going to speak for every Bronco fan ever when I say the following: Fuck you, Brandon Marshall. You assholes deserved to be booed, all the way up and down the organization. We're the people who have sold out every home game since forever. we're the people who financed a new stadium for you, even though it cost us a shitpile of money, made the Broncos organization a shitpile of money, even while only affording a whopping SEVEN more people to watch the games live. you, especially deserved to be booed back to the stone age, since you couldn't tuck the ball away, thus killing a potential scoring drive and pretty much ending all hope of coming back. You, especially, because I have never seen anyone loaf as much as you did in the second half- barely jogging through your routes and making middling efforts at catching the ball. If you can't do your HIGH PAYING JOB for the entirety of 60 minutes, why in the fuck do you get the right to call out anyone who is PAYING FOR THE RIGHT TO WATCH YOU PLAY LIKE SHIT as low class. you can go straight to hell.

UPDATE: Nalen and Jackson are done for the year, and the rest of RatFace's press conference furthers my beilefs that he has his head stuck somewhere, whether it be in the colouds or up his own ass remains to be seen.

UPDATE II: From the man I wish was my father, comes the following:

Ease up on the Denver Broncos- they have one of the great coaches in the game and a solid organization. I’ll bet you have had some rough spots in your life too, that’s when people need the most support. Be strong when it’s easy to be weak. The Bronc’s will get through it.

Thank you, Hawk Blog. You are my new Bible.

2007-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

Game Diary of Hate...

... fueled by rage. I absolutely despise both of these teams, so I'm coming to you with nothing but vitriol and icy cold Coors Light. I didn't hate Oklahoma until a bunch of idiot announcers spent this week talking about how they gave away the game last week with one disastrous quarter, without mentioning the very obvious fact that we kicked their asses. You hear that, rednecks? WE KICKED YOUR ASSES.

I've always hated Texas. I hate the team, I hate the uniforms that looked like puked up lox, I hate their asshole fans (except for my friend Emma, who absolutely HATES the Pacific Life Insurance commercials so prevalent in college football broadcasts. How do those damn whales jump up a waterfall? And why do they want to? And what does that have to do with insurance?), and I hate their stupid racist state. I once heard on a radio call in show in Lubbock that the reason Texas Tech sucked was because they had a black quarterback (Zebbie Lethridge) and white receivers, instead of the other way around. This was deemed completely acceptable. By the by- that's the screen shot I promised you last week of the stupid little Oklahoma fan crying after we kicked their asses. You hear that, rednecks? We kicked your asses.

For some reason, a horse is doing the introduction for the Oklahoma offense. I'm guessing it's because he got the closest when reading the telemprompter. So of course the hamburger factory is announcing the Texas defense. I hate these teams so hard.

12:41- Oklahoma can't get anything going, probably because they have too many guys named Joe John or Jim Bob or whatever the fuck their tight end is named.

12:48- Bevo is such a lazy ass. He just stands there. Ralphie could totally kick his ass. I'm still not sure what a Sooner is. I think it has something to do with the land grants and people who literally got there "sooner," which basically they're just proud of killing a bunch of Indians (which they call "Injuns"). Texas has already had to call a timeout, and already has a false start penalty. They're going to get rolled, methinks. Reggie Smith catches the punt and immediately gets lit up. At least he learned how to catch the ball.

12:52- Apparently, the Fighting Manginos of Kansas held on to beat Kansas State, which is a very good thing. Kansas is guaranteed to drop at least 3 Big XII games. I tried to watch the game, but it turned out that both of those teams are boring, and my eyes get sleepy when I watch boring things. Paul Maguire is extremely annoying. He keeps saying, "it is hot, jack!" I'm quite pleasant, Maguire. Sucks on you. Both of these teams look pretty ragged.

1:03- McCoy talks about being "fun," and Maguire says McCoy looks like he's 11 years old, with a little too much love in his voice. So I'm pretty much calling Paul Maguire a pedophile. Everyone knows that Daddy Bear mustaches are the number one symptom of child diddling.

1:06- Grown men who still call fathers "daddy" is extremely creepy. Once your voice breaks, it's only acceptable to call your father "asshole" or "ow, stop hitting me." Wait, that goes for everyone, right?

1:07- That's right, Nessler: 82 CU plays. WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Just ask that crying kid up top.

1:09- Bradford makes the deep throw he couldn't make last week to Juaquin Iglesias. Anyone else think that dude would get crazy laid, just on basis of his name alone? Juaquin Iglesias should be a Latin crooner like the rest of his family, or riding a horse on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. Bradford goes deep again, this time to Malcolm Kelly (which is also a pretty sweet name. I need a friend named Malcolm), and another toss and it's 7-0 Injun killers. Texas should do what we did last week. you know- rush the passer. No, seriously, it totally works.

1:12- the OU commercial plays, and they talk about "the single most important gift of art ever given to a public university." What's an important piece of art? Because the picture they showed looks like something you'd buy at a flea market.

1:13- LSU is #1 in the AP poll, but #2 in the Harris and coaches polls, so I'm sure LSU fans are perfectly content with being #2, right? Because that's the argument they used in aught 3, when the circumstances were reversed. Yeah, I hate SEC fans, too.

1:18- Jesus Christ. Now ABC is showing a giant Cowboy statue saying Howdy. He sounds like a retarded Yogi Bear. Don't these people have any shame? And South Florida goes up by 7 on Florida Atlantic. South Florida has made me a small pile of money so far this year (Auburn, West Fuckin Virginia). That is all.

1:25- The Aflac trivia question is about history, not football. There is zero chance that any fan of Oklahoma or Texas knows the answer to this. Actually, there is zero chance that anyone watching this game knows the answer to this without Wikipedia. McCoy to Jordan Shipley for 6. Extra point by some guy ties the game at 7.

1:37- Bonnie Bernstein's head looks inordinately large. She looks like a Bonnie Bernstein Bobblehead. McCoy goes long for his tight end, who catches the ball and runs. A lot. Texas has the ball on the 27. McCoy splits wide and something called John Chiles is in at QB. He fakes a hand off and runs for a whopping 5 yards. What a bunch of nonsense bluster. Oh- there were 45 states in 1900, to answer the Aflac trivia question.

1:40- McCoy to the tight end again, touchdown. Someone should probably cover him. Just a thought.

1:43- I will give this to Texas: I really want to sex their cheerleaders. I think it a Broncos thing. Chicks dressed in chaps are always sexable. Juaquin Iglesias returns a kick, and Nessler just said, "he's running, not walking..." get it? Juaquin/ Walking? LOL!

1:51- On this day in history, Colorado beat Missourah on the fifth down. Ha! Idiots. That's right, bitches- National Champeens. Don't make me break out the tee shirt. Bradford throws to some random tight end in the and zone, which is the zone for ends, apparently. 14-14. It's tough when you realize that both teams can't lose. Several more icy cold Coors Light's should solve this. The Big XII commercial is a pun on a cooking show. It is exactly as stupid as you might imagine.

1:57- the referee's name is Hugh Douglas, and Nessler says, "Hugh Douglas made a lot of tackles in his day..." This isn't the NFL Hugh Douglas, right? RIGHT? The guy who got into a fist fight with Terrell Owens. I really hope it is. Then ABC shows pig races. So Texas/ Oklahoma, NASCAR, pig races, and that Cavemen show. This is your new ABC Network. Somewhere on the Disney lot is a place to make bathtub gin.

2:10- and we're tied at 14 at the half. The OK punter did the same soccer flop he tried against CU last week, only this time it worked. It didn't matter, though.

2:16- It's halftime, so I check in on Arizona State/ Washington State. It's 3-0 WSU with 8 minutes left in the second quarter. What is this, the Big 10? Score some damn points, assholes! ASU started out slow against CU, too. By the by, I've already lost 3 of the 5 friendly wagers I made this week. I'm relying on CU -9 and Joey Harrington +8 if I want to eat this week.

2:27- Is there anyone else that watches this Verizon commercial featuring the dancing Asian prom date, and just wants to punch him in the face? kthxbye

2:36- GAME ON after the half! And Nessler says that Texas is "tight ending Oklahoma to death..." They totally are. Just so you know- the CU game goes live in less than an hour and a half, so there's going to be a lot less concentration on the parade of hatred.

2:57- DeMarco Murray runs really fast, really far, to make the score 21-14 Oklahoma. I'm not professing to be the most impartial observer, but Colorado has a better defense than Texas.

3:03- And again, Nessler talks about how close Oklahoma was to winning last week. Look, asshole- we gave up 14 points on tipped passes. That's just luck. We almost doubled up on plays, and beat the hell out of them in time of possession. We killed them on third down. Just admit it, rednecks, WE KICKED YOUR ASSES! Can everyone see why I now hate Oklahoma?

3:09- Texas crams it up the cram hole from the 1 yard line. tie game once again. This time at 21. The ensuing kickoff featuring DeMarco Murray makes it all the way to 4 yard line. Great job, Oklahoma.

3:21- Bradford deep to Kelly for a touchdown. the same Malcolm Kelly who didn't make a catch against Terrence Wheatley and CU. 28-21 OU

3:25- Reggie Smith intercepts a pass as the announcers do their best to not blame the QB's. Look, there are tipped passes, and there are passes that are just thrown too high. This was the latter. If OU scores right now, I think this game's over. Which just gives me more reason to pay attention to CU/ Baylor.

3:33-...buuuut, they didn't. McCoy and UT back with the ball. And now the CU pregame is up, and I love more than I hate, so I'm having a hard time paying attention. It's really disconcerting that Texas has see through pants. Disconcerting meaning gross.

3:58- Oklahoma basically just runs out the clock, and gets the win 28-21. So CU>OU> UT. sounds right.

2007-10-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

Coach Hawk= Awesome

So I'm watching the Buff Stampede right now, and Chazz Johnson and Coach Hawk are coming to you live from the school of Aerospace Engineering. They are wearing full on space suits. Like the guy in the MTV commercials. That's right- Coach Hawk is a moon man. And he looks absolutely giddy to get to wear the space suit. Also, Coach Hawk says on every episode that someone is "getting their horns out." I still have no idea what this means.Also, kicker Kevin Eberhart is always touted as a guy who's already graduated with an aerospace engineering degree, but he looks like the white guy trying to freestyle at Round Midnight. this does not promote faith in our space program. Or our kicking game.

2007-10-04T18:22:00.001-07:00

Some stuff you Probably Already Know

First, something new- Travis Henry tested positive for the pot, again. He's done for a year, and probably done as a Bronco. I've already started building my draft list for RB's. It goes like this, in a preliminary, ad hoc fashion:
Darren McFadden- Arkansas
Jonathan Stewart-Oregon
BenJarvis Green-Ellis- OleMiss
Yvenson Bernard- Oregon StateRyan Torain- Arizona State
Mike Hart- Michigan

In that order for now. That's a start. Stewart is 5'11" 230 lbs. and runs a 4.4 40 yard dash. I have no idea why he doesn't get more juice nationally. Whatever- Travis Henry is a dickface. Adjust your fantasy teams now.

These guys aren't helping. In light of today's news, I'd say that Ricky Williams to Denver is less than likely. Over/ Under on number of white guys with dreadlocks in this group opens at "all of them." I'm still taking the over.

Say goodnight, Hixon. I'm not even bothering with a link, because he's not important. But Domenik Hixon's days of running straight into the back of his lead blockers are over. Next up to the slaughter? Brian Clark. Wasn't this Scott O'Brien guy supposed o fix all this? I give him an F-

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Now playing: Kid´n´Play - Fun House
via FoxyTunes

2007-10-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

We're changing up the format, because I can, and it's the internet, so it doesn't matter.

So let me get this straight- during the offseason, we jettisoned several defensive tackles because the Jim Bates system required big fatsos who clog running lanes instead of quicker guys who slice through gaps and get pressure. This resulted in Sam Adams and Amon Gordon starting. Yet, teams have been shredding our run defense, and our fat defensive tackles specifically.

This signals Sam Adams and Amon Gordon on the inactive list. The answer our super genius coaching staff comes up with? Jarvis Moss lining up as a defensive tackle and rushing from a stand up position. It was semi effective as a pass rushing technique, but is it any surprise that Joseph Addai carved us up like a hot knife through butter? We had a 250 lb. stand up defensive tackle!

Shanahan coached scared. he was scared of Manning, and coached to not let him embarrass the Broncos. It didn't work. All he wanted to do on offense was keep the ball out of Manning's hands. On defense, all he wanted to do was rush Manning. Every other facet of the game suffered because of it. Does Shanahan not believe in the talent he assembled? Because that's what it looks like.

This game is even more appalling in light of the CU/ Oklahoma game. Hawk coached to win- he went for it on 4th down, he ran when he should have passed. He passed when he should have run. And it worked. You could just tell that the team believed in itself, because the coach believed in them. RatFace coached to keep it close. He coached not to get embarrassed. He didn't realize that he had Dre Bly out there instead of Roc Alexander. And that was the most embarrassing thing that could have happened.

What good is Ian Gold? He's too small to be effective between the tackles, he can't tackle, and he has no cover skills.

And that's all I've got for now. What a depressing game.
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Now playing: Black Sheep - The Choice Is Yours
via FoxyTunes

2007-10-01T15:09:00.001-07:00

Amazing!

I'll get to the Broncos shortly, but first: remember when we traded George Foster and Tatum Bell for Dre Bly, and the media was quick to applaud the Lions for acquiring two starters? Well, Tatum bell has been running a lot harder than he ever did for Denver, but now Kevin Jones is back and he'll be splitting carries, at best. Further, the Human Turnstile has been benched for poor play. I know- you're all as surprised as I am. George Foster not being a good offensive tackle. Who could possibly have seen it coming?

Also, I was watching the Bears game, and the announcers were absolutely flabbergasted- FLABBERGASTED I SAY- that Brian Griese was not the "spark" for the Bears offense. Apparently the announcers had never ever seen Brian Griese play, because he has never sparked anything in his life. I'm sure Bronco fans everywhere were listening just as quizzically as I was. Brian Griese? huh? Brian griese is the most milquetoast QB in the history of the league. On a scale of Van Pelt to Elway, Brian Griese is positively Trent dilfer-esque.

2007-10-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, It Is So Fucking ON!

Well, the Buffs now have their signature win of the Hawk era, winning 27-24 over the stupid ugly (and fat, probably) Oklahoma Sooners. It's the biggest Colorado win since 62-36, in my estimation. for the first time in a long while, CU matters nationally for a positive reason. Stewart Mandel of si.com ranked us at #21 in his AP poll (which, by the way, accounts for all 5 of our AP points. that's POINTS, people, not VOTES, as is being erroneously reported- ahem, Buffzone). Cory McCartney, also of si.com, had this to say:

One of the culprits behind a weekend so bizarre that the Blitz is ranking it between Flavor Flav and Gary Busey-level on the crazy scale deserves major props. Second-year Colorado coach Dan Hawkins, who took over a scandal-ridden program (and went 2-10 in 2006) delivered CU's biggest win in six seasons by stunning No. 3 Oklahoma. This was no fluke: CU dominated time of possession by nearly 18 minutes (allowing the Buffs to run 36 more plays) and gained 151 more yards than OU's high-powered offense. Thanks to that touch of 'Hawk Love,' they won't call this kind of win an upset in Boulder much longer.

Pat Forde devoted his entire espn.com piece to the Buffs, while some jackass from Oklahoma blames the altitude. Funny, it didn't seem to bother Florida State. Sour grapes, Oklahoma, sour grapes indeed. Just man up and admit we kicked your illiterate asses, m'kay?

As for the game itself? I had to record it and watch it later, which meant avoiding all college football coverage and turning off my cell phone, because I fully expected text/ voice messages regardless of the outcome. Well, the game was awesome (duh). It only took Hugh Charles 3 and a half years to turn into a tough running back, and just like I said before- if the receivers catch the ball, defenses have to respect the vertical passing game and all the wackadoo formations will mean something. It was great to see Patrick Williams get his confidence back and catch the ball. We're gonna need him. And Kai Maiava? Dude is awesome. I smell what the Rock's nephew is cooking. Anyway, y'all know what happened- we won the game on Kevin Eberhart's last second kick (maybe we should only kick it when it's a game winner). I turned my phone back on and I had 19 text messages. nineteen. I'm pretty positive that I don't have 19 actual friends, so I don't know what's going on there. Hell, I barely have 19 fake internet friends on myspace, and I'm friends with Zubaz Pants and a Sandwich.

Finally, the newest and definitely greatest part about cubffs.com is "Blogging with Hawk." Look, just go read it because it, like Hawk himself, is awesome. He likes cowboys, apparently. In his second installment, we find out that his wife likes ABBA and he tells us to "just keep pumping the pump." I have no idea what that means. I used to have a pair of shoes with little pumps in them, but I still can't dunk. Stay tuned for the update when I get home from work. On my camera, I've got a screen cap of the little Oklahoma kid crying, and the only thing greater than a little kid crying would maybe be a cheerleader crying. the moral of the story is: It's funny when pretty girls are sad. At least I think that's the moral. It certainly was my senior quote in high school.

UP NEXT:

the Baylor Bears. It's not often that any team can use the "revenge factor" in a game against Baylor, but such was the state of the 2006 CU football team. I can easily see Baylor being a let down game, so hopefully Hawk uses his Hawkness to keep the guys pumped. Or maybe they should find some cheerleaders to pump their pumps for them.

Baylor's mascot is a bear named Judge. Seriously- Judge. Our mascot is named after the sound students make when they vomit after drinking too much (I am not making this up), and their mascot is named after a guy in a powdered wig and bathrobe who bangs a little wooden hammer. On an awesome note, Baylor took my suggestion to heart, and actually has live bears. I also know that Baylor is the token shitty private school in a BCS conference (Duke, Vanderbilt, Northwestern, Stanford) and only recently began allowing students to dance. Imagine, generation after generation of Baylor students who couldn't learn the Electric Slide. From a football perspective, their coach is a guy named Guy, and they probably have players of some sort. In recent years, their most dangerous weapon was a punter, but he's gone now. The line for entertainment purposes only opens at Colorado -8.5.

UPDATE: Obvioulsy, Baylor should've stuck to their no dancing rule:

2007-09-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

Around The League

Vick heading back to court. So I guess Mike Vick is getting state charges, even though he's already pled guilty to the federal charges. This is kind of like having your dead corpse sodomized after chopping your own head off with a chainsaw. Yeah, it sucks, but it's probably not real high up on your list of worries.

JaMarcus the Hut is activated. although "active" doesn't really describe him. I guess that should read, JaMarcus the Hut carefully placed on game day roster, so as not to knock over his banana split."

Deuce is done for the year. This is debilitating injury numero deuce for McCallister, and if you've said to yourself, "hey, the Saints couldn't possibly get any worse, right?" You've been answered. Reggie bush has been putting in extra wind sprints, in anticipation of sprinting for the sidelines 25 times a game as a feature back.

Larry Johnson is whining. No shit, says the crowd. He isn't as good as last year, despite being a lot richer. He doesn't like that. He says football coaching is easy, like checkers, and not hard, like chess. I was really good at Chutes and Ladders.

Griese is starting. As I'm sure John Clayton is quick to remind you, Brian Griese is a huge upgrade at QB over Rex Grossman, who looks like a cross between Eakian from Summer School and that retard from Something About Mary. No, I haven't seen your baseball, Rex. Who am I kidding? Everyone reading this post is on the floor laughing, because they read "Brian Griese is a huge upgrade..." and just lost it. Right? Moving on...

This doesn't have anything to do with football, but it is definitely the worst thing you will ever read. Ever. Somewhere, Mike Vick sees a business opportunity!

2007-09-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Around The Nation

Oklahoma 62- Tulsa 21

I really only give a shit about this game because it won me money. I bet the over, though- not the line. Fuck Oklahoma

Colorado 42- Miami (OH) 0

What a great fucking game. It's been 2 years since we handed someone their panties and kicked them the fuck out with cab fare, rubbing their assholes and wondering where they were. Dear Miami of Ohio- you are in Boulder, you suck in the sack, and we gave you chlamydia. I couldn't watch the game, so head over to the sidebar for the Slushy Gutter recap. Because I am a nerd, I watched the game play by play on the internet, and I can say that the score should have been at least 56-0, but we knelt at the end of the game when we were on the goal line, and Stupid Patrick Williams fumbled at the 4. He didn't even catch the ball. It was a hand off (end around? I don't know), and he fumbled. Turn that guy into a defensive back and be done with it. Then he can swat at the ball like a young lad swatting flies on the farm, and no one would care. But please don't rely on him to hold the ball ever again.

Nebraska 41- Ball State 40

Ball State, which is just north of Taint Tech, almost beat Nebraska. That would have made the weekend perfect. Because Miami is in the same conference as Ball, and Miami won the head to head already. 40 points to Ball State? Blackshirts say what?

LSU 28- South Carolina 16

LSU ran the patent pending Jake Plummer/ Jason Elam fake field goal (toss over the holder's head), and the first thing I thought was, "even their fucking kicker is fast." After watching the broadcast, I really enjoyed seeing Mike, LSU's live tiger mascot in it's habitat. It makes me think every team with an animal mascot should have the real live animal. Also, South Carolina would be hilarious if they had a live chicken on the sideline.

I also believe they should switch up the conferences, based on mascot. There'd be a "Dude" Conference, with West Virginia (Mountaineers), Notre Dame (Fighting Irish), USC (Trojans), Michigan State (Spartans), et cetera. Next would be the Awesome Animal Conference, with Wisconsin (Badgers), Michigan (Wolverines), Colorado (Buffaloes), Florida (Gators), Oregon State (Beavers), et cetera. You'd also have a Tiger conference (Missouri, LSU, Auburn), Bear Conference (Montana, UCLA, Cal), Dog Conference (Washington, Georgia, Tennessee and Texas A&M both have dumb dog mascots)... you get the idea. The biggest problem is how to incorporate the Akron Zips. On that note:

UCLA 44- Washington 31

UCLA would be so much cooler if they followed CU's lead and ran onto the field behind a live bear. As it is, they kind of just stand their and jump around a little and kind of jog in behind some dudes with flags that spell out U-C-L-A. I know, because the third Big Money Field Trip too place this past Saturday night, as Jewger and I meandered all the way into exotic Pasadena to take in this game. UCLA needs an old man to prompt the crowd into the DE-FENSE cheer, and their other cheers include: UCLLLLLLA FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and GO BRUINS. No cursing, no singing, no fun. Advantage: Colorado. The Bruins won because of third string QB McLeod Bethel-Something, who handed off to perfection on the way to several scoring drives, as the Bruins pulled away late. Jake Locker is ginormous, but not very accurate yet. He still made enough plays to win the game, but the defense couldn't respond to the overwhelming averageness of Khalil Bell, Chris Markey, and Pat Cowan. Bruce Davis, Dennis Keyes, and Spencer Havner, um, I mean Christian Taylor, were pretty good on defense, but overall, they were very whelming.

But, I have now been to three PAC-10 Stadiums in the last year (counting the USC trip The U and I made last year). I'll be going to Cal in 2010, so I might need to add a new goal to my block. When living in Big XII country, I made it to every Big 12 stadium, so every PAC-10 stadium may be next, given my current standing on the left coast. It's too bad I missed the Washington game a few years ago. Does (did) CU have a return game to Pullman? Because if so, I'm half way there!

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Now playing: The Dollyrots - Because I'm Awesome
via FoxyTunes

2007-09-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

There's A Mouse In My Pants!

That doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just wanted to use that picture. Remember last week, when I said that the Broncos just aren't that good? Sometimes I hate being right.

BIG MONEY:

Brandon Marshall. This list really should begin and end here. I'm not yet ready to anoint Marshall as the first decent receiver of the Mike Shanahan era, but he can already do things that Lelie never could, like "run routes" and "catch ball." A great effort, and hopefully his coming out party.
Jay Cutler. Nothing mind blowing, but I thought he managed the game pretty efficiently, at least to the extent the game plan allowed. Jacksonville routinely swung Reggie Nelson to Javon Walker's side, which more or less eliminated his effectiveness, but Cutler forced things less than usual. He's still going to make some (wince) Favre-like throws, both good and bad.
Elvis Dumervil. 4 tackles and 2 sacks, including one that forced a fumble.
Nick Ferguson. Weird, huh? But he tallied 9 tackles and a huge fumble recovery, so for now he's not a whammy! It's not exactly ideal that our leading tackler comes from the secondary, but that's not really his fault. That said- I don't expect to see him back in this space much.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Daniel Graham. Since day one, I've been preaching to get the ball to your money guys in money situations. for once, we did that, and Graham dropped the ball, plain and simple. He's had little to no impact in the passing game thus far, but there's no excuse.
Mike Shanahan. Challenged Hixon's fumble on a completely unwinable challenge (I'm not even arguing that the call was right or wrong. the fact is, there was zero percent chance that the call gets overturned). Shanahan has always had a penchant for doing this, whether it be something like this, or challenging the spot of the ball when it's still 3rd and 3. Then Denver came out on 4th down at the goal line, out of a time out, and ran a... QB sneak? Jacksonville has a huge front line, even without John Henderson. Denver has a quick offensive line. We responded by running into the teeth of that line with a QB. Brilliant. Once again, Shanahan was pretty much outcoached.
Domenik Hixon. Man does this guy suck. He sucked before, when all he did is run in a straight line and get tackled at the 23, but now he's fumbling as well. Shanahan always drafts guys like this at receiver- small college guys who are around 6-2. He does it because he doesn't think the little guys can block in the run game. At least he still better than Darius Watts! Would it really hurt to throw a tryout at a guy like Jeremy Bloom for a week? give him the Stephen Alexander Memorial Rotating Roster Spot and see what happens. I doubt it could be much worse.

STOP!

You'll notice that I didn't rip into Shanahan for the 4th and 5 call. I actually kind of liked it. Graham should have caught the ball, we didn't have any timeouts, and our run defense was getting shredded by Taylor and Garrard. Given the circumstances, I didn't really see a downside.

2007-09-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

When Fish Fight Back

There's really nothing going on, so here's a video of a fish nailing some dude in the dork. It's the funniest thing you have ever seen, if you're extremely sophomoric. I sure am. Do you see what you get when you fuck with a fish? Pain, MoFo!

2007-09-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Offered With No Further Commentary

*thanks to edsbs.com

2007-09-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

Champ Bailey > Chuck Norris

Apparently Champ's Wikipedia entry has become a breeding ground for some Chuck Norris style jokes. Here they are:

The saddest moment for a wide receiver is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Champ Bailey is.
T-Mobile has been in contact with Champ Bailey to provide their nationwide coverage.
The movie "Catch me if you can" would have been a hell of a lot shorter if Champ Bailey was in it.
Barry Bonds tested positive for Champ Bailey.
On the seventh day, God rested and turned on the football game. He saw Champ Bailey and said, "Dear Me, what have I done!?"
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his life. Champ Bailey calls this "any given Sunday."
Champ Bailey has been banned from selecting in the NFL Draft... because he picks everyone.
Every player that has ever caught a pass over Champ Bailey is now under official investigation by the NFL for performance-enhancing drugs.
All stop signs will be replaced with a cardboard cutout of Champ Bailey.
When Champ Bailey goes to bed, his blankets don't cover him. He covers his blankets.
Champ Bailey's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Champ Bailey.
The only thing Champ Bailey can't do is work in law enforcement. He refuses to undercover.
Glue is made from Champ Bailey's sweat.
Champ Bailey isn't black, he is a shadow.
Champ Bailey's football jersey has been issued to all US soldiers overseas to be worn as a bullet proof vest.
Champ Bailey decided to sell his urine. The product is called Red Bull.
Champ Bailey is the reason why Terrell Owens tried to commit suicide.
Ninjas are Champ Bailey in training.
The next edition of Madden NFL will feature five difficulties: Rookie, Pro, All-Pro, All-Madden, and Champ Bailey.
Champ Bailey does not wear pads to protect himself, he wears them to protect others.
CB doesn't stand for cornerback, it stands for Champ Bailey.
Three-quarters of the Earth is covered by water. The rest is covered by Champ Bailey.

*thanks to Burke

2007-09-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

Some Guy Talks To Some Other Guy

Today's Foxsports.com features an Alex Marvez interview of Danny Kanell. I vaguely remember Marvez from when he was a Denver beat writer, and only slightly-less-vaguely remember Danny Kanell from when he was a Denver quarterback. Anyway, Danny Kanell still has his playbook and talks a little bit about it. He basically says what every NFL fan already knows: Mike Shanahan has a good system/ zone blocking/ blah blah blah. It's exactly what you would expect from a Danny Kanell interview= functional but forgettable.

Ex athletes should only give interviews of the shocking expose variety. Is anyone really interested in hearing Danny Kanell profess his love for the slant route coming from a three receiver set? If it doesn't involve you and Micah Knorr doubling up on Michelle Tafoya after catching her expressing a desire for 2 forgettable white guys after a tough Sunday night game against the Raiders, just keep it to yourself. (also acceptable would be Patrick Hape in place of Micah Knorr)

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Now playing: Swizz Beatz - Top Down
via FoxyTunes

2007-09-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Condiment Connundrum

From the NFL.com transaction log:

9/2: Chad Mustard cut.
9/8: Adam Meadows cut. Chad Mustard signed.
9/11: Chad Mustard cut. Jamie Winborn signed.
9/15: Stephen Alexander cut. Chad Mustard signed

From Andrew Mason's blog today (9/17):

1:46 P.M. MDT: Said that Stephen Alexander is back on the team, and that the team has already released Chad Mustard. “Hopefully nobody signs him and we have that luxury (of bringing back Mustard).”

Really guys? I don't think Chad Mustard is who you should be agonizing over.

2007-09-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

my roommate: Why do we keep taking games against these shitty teams down to the wire?

me: Because we aren't that good.

And that's about the crux of it. We're good enough to beat bad teams. Barely. But are we good enough to beat good teams? I've seen no evidence to suggest that we are. Last year, when Denver would lose, I would always read some huge outcry that:

It's All Plummer's Fault!!!

It's all Bell's Fault!!!!

It's all Ernster's Fault!!!

Playcalling!

Defense!

Offensive line!!

Special teams!!!

and this would be for one game. The fact is, when you delude yourself into thinking your team is better than it really is, you tend to try and single out one player or facet that needs fixing, because that's much easier than admitting that they just aren't as good as you want them to be. It's like when I finally realized that this girl called Becky just wasn't that into me. Sure, there were signs, but I just kept trying to fix the one thing that I knew would make her drop her panties, like sending her flowers or singing telegrams, or hiding in her bushes while she was in the shower. Then I got the restraining order and realized, "oh- she's just not into me."

Guess what- we just aren't that good. But there is reason for hope- we can't be this bad on offense, and in the past, we've always lost these kinds of games early on, and then come on with a big run. We can do this again.

BIG MONEY:

Travis Henry. good Lord is this man strong. no wonder he's got so many friggin kids. sperm like his could probably penetrate a lead apron, let alone a Durex. I imagine a Henry sperm against one of those contraceptive sponges to be a lot like a Henry stiff arm pushing Stuart Shweigart 20 yards into the end zone. Stuart Schweigart proved that there shouldn't be anyone named Stuart Schweigart in the NFL. Go back and finish my taxes, bitch. I don't pay you to play with your little friends.
Cornerbacks. Aside from one long bomb on Dre Bly, the CB's were as big as money gets. They were the little square with the cruise in it. My favorite part was when stupid idiot Rich Gannon kept going on and on about going after Dre Bly. Then stupider idiot Josh McCown tried to go deep on Bly, and Bly picked him. DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU THROW TO THE OUTSIDE?!?! Our corners own all your footballs. It reminds me of last year, when stupidest idiot Phil Simms started yapping about how Carson Palmer said he was going to throw on Champ Bailey, then he did, and Champ Bailey took Carson Palmer's football from him. the moral is- if you can't play smart with the football, you will be relieved of the responsibility.
The young defensive linemen rushing the passer. Moss, Dumervil, and Thomas all made their presence felt, which was a great sign. I expect we'll be seeing a lot more of Marcus Thomas in the opposing backfield, because the guy's an athletic marvel. That INT was outstanding. Similarly, Dumervil harassed McCown all day, and Moss is making strides.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Matt Lepsis. He got pushed around against Buffalo, but I chalked it up to going against a great player. This time he got pushed around by a rookie 5th round pick called Jay Richardson. For an older guy who relied on his quickness, this is troublesome. He's coming off of knee surgery, and he's lost significant push at the point of attack.

Mike Shanahan. Why in the fuck is Cecil goddamn Sapp getting the ball on every crucial short yardage play? I think it was 4 times on 3rd or 4th and short (or goal), and Sapp or Mike Bell got all of the carries. Sapp converted once, on a touchdown run where he went in virtually untouched. Why do you give 40 million dollars to a running back who never goes down on first contact and then hand the ball to the up back in significant situations. Why are we relying on a Selvin young wheel route on a crucial third down. Call me paranoid because of the closeness of the game, but it's almost like Shanahan's completely forgotten what it's like to play with talent. He's too busy trying to be sneaky instead of just letting our guys beat their guys. Do you think Terrell Davis wouldn't be getting those significant carries (he says before remembering the Super Bowl where TD was a decoy. What do I know)? give the ball to your big money players, and let them earn it.
the run defense. A buck fifty? To LaMont Jordan? When McCown can't throw at all? Unacceptable. Completely and utterly unacceptable.

STOP!

Of course it had to be Gerrard Warren who got the safety, didn't it? A big Eff YOU to the people at DirecTV. The game was tabbed for the regional broadcast on CBS, which means it's blacked out on the Sunday Ticket feed. that's all well and good until CBS decided to switch to the defensive vacation of Cleveland/ Cincinnati and I miss almost all of the first quarter, including 50% of Denver's touchdowns. So I could watch that abomination on 2 different channels, yet I could watch the Denver game on zero channels. Then the game went into a lightning delay, and we got jumped over to the game being broadcast by... PHIL SIMMS!! Veteran readers of my former MySpace blog know where this is going- SHUT UP PHIL SIMMS!!! I fucking hate that guy. Further, there was a lady in the house for Sunday's game, and whenever a lady is present, discussion inevitably turns to how attractive the players are, without bothering to account whether or not they can block or run a decent hitch and go. This is yet another reason why you people shouldn't have been given the vote.

Why was Jeff Shoate the nickel back? Just wondering.

UPDATE: Signal to Noise has his own take on the Shanahan time out call. Since he's a Bronco fan, I have no qualms about saying this to any and all Raider fans: Kiss Our Douchebaggy Asses! We may be the douchebaggiest, but you're still the Raiders. Ad: Us.

2007-09-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

Ode To A Colorado Game, In 5 Acts

Act I: An already drunk (thank you very much Florida/ Tennessee) and extremely handsome man stalks angrily back and forth across his living room wearing a garish Colorado hockey sweater, occasionally annoying his dozing roommate by screaming at the top of his lungs, "MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SHOW THE GODDAMN COLORADO GAME I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS STUPID BULLSHIT FOOTBALL GAME DON'T YOU ASSHOLES REALIZE THAT THE COLORADO GAME HAS ALREADY STARTED AND YOU USELESS ASSHOLE ESPN FUCKS HAVE 50 ESPN ALTERNATE CHANNELS AND YOU CAN'T GET ONE OF THEM TO SHOW THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PRIME TIME SHOWCASE GAME I'M GONNA STAB SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME MY GODDAMN GAME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW..." and it went on like that for a while, the only real break being trips to the fridge for the handsome man to replenish his pint glass with icy cold Coors Light.

Act II: And the man's blood pressure drops a little even though the first quarter is almost over, as the game appears and Venerable Folsom looks packed to the gills full of fans in full blackout mode and into the second quarter, the man is nervous but the defense looks good and MUTHERFUCK YOU ANTONE SMITH CAN'T ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES TACKLE?

Act III: As we roll into the dog days of summer portion of our story, as offensive ineptitude begets offensive ineptitude which is only punctured by three Cismesia field goals and a second Eberhart miss until...

Act IV: FIGHT CU DOWN THE FIELD... for the mighty Buffaloes have punctured the end zone and the arm of Littlehawk and the cradling bosom of Tyson Devree! But the try for two goes awry! as does Terrance Wheatley's knee! and ultimately the game ends, another putrid showing one one side of the ball offset by a valiant effort by Dizon and the crew, but wait, is it over?

Act V: The man had placed a friendly wager for entertainment purposes, and the line was 6, but the score shows 16-6 and FUCK YOU EBERHART YOUR TWO STUPID MISSES COST ME 100 DOLLARS (FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES) I HATE YOU...... and the icy cold Coors Light overcomes the man, and he falls into a deep slumber, to be wakened never more until the morning of Sunday when the dawn of a new team to agonize over and a splitting headache beckon anon...

PS: Reading CU message boards after the loss is quite frustrating. Yes- the offense was terrible. Negative 27 rushing yards is pathetic. But let's remember that Hawkins was left with absolutely no talent. Go look at our Rivals.com recruiting page for 2004 and 2005 and show me where the playmakers are. The are the guys who should be leading a Big XII team, not a bunch of freshmen. I still believe in Hawkins. He deserves time, because he's proven that he can coach. Yes, he needs to recruit, and do so quickly, but the fallout from our recruiting scandal has left an awfully large scar. UPDATE: those links don't really work the way I intended them, but you can figure it out yourself.

UP NEXT: Something called the Miami of Ohio RedHawks. They used to be called the Redskins, before a bunch of hippie pinko commies got all PC up in their grilles, so they had to change it. They probably play pretty angry as well, since they go to Miami of Ohio, and not the Miami that Will Smith busts fresh rhymes about (actually, I didn't pay much attention to that song- it might be about Ohio for all I know). That's pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Miami of Ohio. Oh yeah- they used to have Ben Roethlisberger, before he got all uppity and started hawking Fatheads. Look for some improvement in the running game, because we can't possibly be as bad as we were on Saturday... can we?

2007-09-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Just Catch The GD Ball

ugh, so work has been kicking my ass all week, so there's no time for the kind of in depth analysis and misogynistic joke combinations that one would expect from such a reputable and upstanding blog as this. But here's the quick recap.

I love truck stops in the middle of nowhere. They always have the weirdest combination of shit you could ever hope to see. VHS copy of Austin Powers? Mesh hat with an eagle on it? Disgusting hot dog treadmill of bacteria? check, check, and check. At a gas station on the way from LA to Las Vegas, they have 4 foot long ropes of beef jerkey. At one of the places at which we stopped on the way to Tucson, they had a Cruisin' USA video game. you remember the one- you sit in a seat and pretend to drive a car. Which is exactly what I want to do while taking a break from a long trip driving a car.

I've been to a lot of places in my day, and I can say without a shred of hyperbole that Arizona is the worst place in the history of places. It's the hottest place I have ever been in my life, and I was trapped inside a burning building last week. Luckily I kicked a hole in a wall, saved the crying baby, and leaped to safety from the second story window. Call me, ladies!

Where was I- oh yeah, Arizona sucks. Whatever. I got to sing the fight song about a thousand times, starting in the bar before the game. We also some some guys with a spectacular amount of dedication, because they were wearing fur buffalo hats in 106 degree heat. Someone commented on my 1990 National Champeenship tee shirt (Chazz Johnson- M-V-P!) and said, "dude- that is fucking old." I responded by saying, "you're just jealous because no one makes 'Jake Plummer almost won the Rose Bowl' or 'Once we led USC at halftime' tee shirts." After the consumption of many icy cold Coors lights (and at least one glass of something disgusting looking called "Zuma Juice" by my buddy El Jefe, we wandered to the game on the coat tails of three big black guys, who were rolling a blunt. They were impressed with my knowledge of JJ Flannigan.

Luckily, the sun had gone down by game time. It was only 102. Fuck Arizona. I sweated through my clothes and was completely dripping by the end of the first quarter, and not in the good way. Quite frankly, it's for the best that CU lost. If I had to keep up first quarter like levels of cheering and singing and singing and chanting and singing, I would be in the hospital right now. No joke.

On to the game... From the wonderful seats we got from the university (second deck, corner of the end zone), it was tough to make out a whole lot, but I think I can safely say the following: catch the fucking ball, Patrick Williams. 5 drops is unacceptable. That goes for the rest of you assholes as well. Look- if the receivers catch the ball in the vertical passing game, the Sun Devils have to commit to more than just single coverage. As it was, they didn't do anything. They completely ignored all of the goofy formation changes and motion, lined up, punched us in the face, and dared Littlehawk to find an open receiver. Which he rarely did, because he was usually getting pressured by the extra defenders in the box, so he would just chuck the ball to where the receiver was supposed to be. And when he did hit a receiver running vertically, that receiver would swat at it like a little girl afraid of getting stung by a bee. Also- enough with the sideline out routes. Littlehawk doesn't have the arm for the throw. At best, your receiver catches it and immediately gets eviscerated by a cornerback. At worst, it's a pick six.

If we catch the balls thrown, we add 3 touchdowns. That's 35 points, which is more than the 33 Arizona State scored. This is not what was possible- this is what SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED if our receivers act like division one football, brother wide receiver. Until then we might just want to pick someone up off of intramurals.

UP NEXT:

The Fighting Bowden's of Florida State. Another team with disgustingly ugly uniforms, but this time it's a team from sea level coming way up in the air to play a game after Grandpa Bowden should long ago have finished his glass of rye, clicked off Matlock and climbed one of those beds that you can make move up and down. Drew Weatherford is a bad QB, and their receivers (the unfortunately named D'Cody Fagg and Greg Carr) have been maddeningly underwhelming (for Seminole fans), so this should allow Terrence Wheatley to again be the man beast next evolution of human that he has been in each of the first two games. If I was a scientist, I'd study him, name him the first t-wheat sapien and win a prize in anthropology. Do they have prizes in anthropology? Or just sweet fedoras and leather jackets and whips like Indiana Jones?

Buffs fans are expected to get their first look at man mountain Ryan Miller, the top recruit from last year, as well defensive end Conrad Obi, and receiver Josh Smith, who was a standout in camp before bruising a kidney. Colorado's top ranked player of this year is SLB Jon Major, and he'll be up for his official visit. He went to Oklahoma last year and reportedly loved it. So the onus is on you, Bighawk. On my signal- unleash hell...

.... or at least heck.

2007-09-12T19:13:00.001-07:00

Super Genius Doesn't Quite Describe It

This is from Monday, but Peter King decided that Scott O'Brien is the coach of the week.

Scott O'Brien, Denver special-teams coach. For the last two years, O'Brien, one of the best special-teams coaches of this era, went into the football-administration side of the business, running interference for Nick Saban in Miami. When Saban left for Alabama, O'Brien got hired by Denver coach Mike Shanahan, who wanted to upgrade the importance of special-teams in Denver. "There's no question Scott's brought a sense of urgency,'' said long-snapper Leach after Sunday's 15-14 win in Buffalo.

It was pretty urgent on Sunday when O'Brien called for the field-goal team to sprint onto the field (as I described above). When you work on the last-second, no-timeouts-left field-goal drill, as O'Brien did as recently as Thursday after practice, and you win the game because you practiced it and executed it, that's great coaching.

Um, isn't that just the definition of coaching? The Patriots apparently have great coaching because they practiced and executed Tom Brady throwing the ball to Randy Moss.

Frankly, I would've picked the Titans offensive line coach, because the Titans ran crazy straight through Marcus Stroud and John Henderson. Actually, I wouldn't have picked anyone, because "coach of the week" is a stupid award.

At any rate- Apparently Dipshit missed the Roscoe Parish return, the complete lack of a return game, and the two kicks Elam missed. I'm not saying it was all O'Brien's fault, but he certainly didn't do anything special that I could see. While I'm at it, I'm getting pretty sick of announcers who call special teams "one third of the game." Special teams are not one third of the game. Speaking in generalizations- if there's a scoring drive, you're looking at 5-10 plays, at least. So that's 10 plays on defense, and 10 plays on offense. Then that's followed up with 2 kicks, and then 10 more offensive and defensive plays. At the absolute most, a team will carry 6 players who are special team specific. And that's on the very very high end. That accounts for a kicker, a punter, a kick off guy, a long snapper, a returner, and a special teams ace tackler guy, like Steve Tasker. I would say Denver has 4- Sauerbrun, Elam, Leach, and Paul Smith. Hixon is more valuable because he's a returner, but he wouldn't make the team if he was only a returner. In fact, Darrent Williams was drafted as a returner, and then only barely allowed to return kicks because he was too valuable on defense (also, he had a nasty habit for running backwards and side to side). When was the last time you heard of a special teams coordinator being considered for a head coaching job. Hell- Rick Dennison got a "promotion" when he moved from special teams coordinator to offensive line coach. Anyway, you get the point- special teams is in no way, shape, or form one third of the game.

By the way- after one week, Denver has the number one defense in the league.

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2007-09-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Chad Johnson,

Your schtick has grown tired. This is how you celebrate scoring:

Sincerely, Big Money, No Whammies

2007-09-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

This Is For CJ, Specifically

I started out with this as a comment, but it's really long. Go check the game comments for CJ's very intelligent thoughts. CJ might warrant a posting invite on this here blog.

I didn't mean I would rather have Whitner than Cutler. Not at all (I realized, even at the time, how it might look. sorry). Whitner was expected to drop down to our area at 15, whereas Cutler was projected in the top 10. I was just trying to point out that I really liked Whitner- I like to toot my own horn.

I'm the first guy to try and temper expectations with Cutler- I hate when I read people comparing him to Elway, or even Favre. I want Cutler to be Cutler. Believe this- I like Cutler. A lot. He scares the shit out of me, but so did Plummer, and I liked him too. Same with Elway. The "I wish he was someone else's QB" comment wasn't meat as a jab at Jay. Rather, it was a comment on how he plays. Give me a gunslinger over a Brian Griese-type any day. I absolutely despised Griese, even when he went to the Pro Bowl. It was just a mention of the maddening nature of the playmaker QB's.

Now that I think of it- you're right on Nalen's snaps, but he fucking OWNED Poz.

To be honest- I almost scrapped the format for this week, because there were so many hit or misses. Cutler had big numbers and a great last drive- Elway-esque- even, but he made some cringe worthy plays as well. Walker had a bunch of yards, but dropped four passes. Marshall and Stokley made their plays to be sure, but I don't think they were really exceptional. To paraphrase Dennis Green- They were what I thought they were. DJ was okay, not Wilson level, but better than in the preseason. I'm trying to keep the game write ups short- check the sidebar for in depth. They do it better.

Like I said- I'm not laying off Kyle Johnson until I see someone outperform him. I'll try to give you a heads up so you know what to skip.
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2007-09-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Around The Nation

I saw a lot of college ball this weekend, because of the road trip (I'll get to that). Here's some bullshit about some of it:

(9) Louisville 58- Middle Tennessee State 42

Take the over this week for Louisville/ Kentucky. Louisville put up video game numbers- 400 yard QB, 3 100 yard receivers, a 275 yard RB. Ridiculous. And the Andre Woodson/ Keenan Burton show for Kentucky is the real deal. Recognize

(14) Nebraska 20- Wake Forest 17

I actually lost money on this game. I bet NU to cover (line was 7), but when we were watching the game, I was totally pulling for Wake to win. Fuck Nebraska, as El Jefe says. They won, but Sam Keller looked god awful. He wasn't just missing receivers, he was missing entire zones.

(3) Oklahoma 51- Miami (FL) 13

This game cracked us up. We switched off early, because it was kind of boring watching Malcolm Kelly shred the Miami secondary (seriously, Kenny Phillips- you're the best defensive back in the country. Show some dignity), but every time we saw the score update, we would just laugh and laugh. This is good for the Big XII.

(21) Boston College 37- NC State 17

I didn't watch much of this game, but I did bet heavily on it. The line was 14. Boston College looked great in week one, NC State looked like hell. NC State is coached by the guy who quit on Boston College and their players. BC was coming in angry. 14 points? That's it? Anyway- thanks for the dough, Catholics.

(19) Oregon 39- Michigan 7

Dennis Dixon was incredible. I watched the entire game, and I don't know what else to say. He was Vince Young-like for this game. Games like this, with players like that, are why I like college more than the NFL. It sure does suck to be my buddy Zim, though. He was in Ann Arbor for the game, and is a UM alum.

Brazil 4- USA 2

It's not a huge secret that I love soccer. In the hierarchy, I would've gone to the USA/ Brazil match instead of the Broncos/ Bills match if those were the options. As is, I taped both, and I loved the way the US played. Goal-wise, we had an own goal, and a dumb penalty kick. Subtract that, and the US is beyond competitive. Deuce Dempsey is the best American player I've ever seen. Bradley played well, and Cherundulo played his best international game ever. Clint Dempsey is the guy to whom to hitch the wagon- he will lead us to victory. Period. We still struggled in the midfield (especially Convey, Beasley, and Donovan), but we proved that we can play with anyone on the feet of Dempsey, Howard, Cherundulo, and Bradley. What a great game.

Arizona State 33- Colorado 14

...sigh... we'll get to that.... Jesus that fucking state is hot.

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2007-09-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

WTF?

So why hasn't there been more commentary about the Patriots cheating? I've read the story in a few places, but I haven't seen any of the major online commentators touch it. Is it because it's still just "alleged?" or just because it's the Patriots. I can't wait to read what Peter King has to say about it, since he's always slurping New England. And why aren't more teams up in arms? Is it because they do it too?

If it's true, the Pats should lose a third rounder, at least, and someone should get suspended for four games- probably Belichick. If players get suspended for cheating to gain an advantage, why shouldn't the coaches? The Broncos lost a third round when we tried to circumvent the salary cap with one of Elway's contracts.

This is why pro football is so much more boring than college. Pro teams spend their time trying to learn opposing hand signals, college teams spend their time trying to get the ball in their best players' hands.

UPDATE: Schefter is now (like RIGHT now) reporting that the league has determined that the Pats were cheating, and it might mean loss of picks, fines, and suspensions. I guess Goodell follows my advice. Schefter also reports that people around the league are pissed. Once again- where's the online rancor?

Terrell Davis suggested probation, like college, which would mean they couldn't go to the post season. I think that's a fantastic idea.

UPDATE II: so this guy from Yahoo talks about it. He says that Belichick is slime (true), but that the real fault lies with the culture of the league. Um, what? Whatever- he also suggested draft pick losses or suspension.

by the by- that shirt has no significance, other than awesomeness

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2007-09-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Where To Begin...

I think we'll start with the Bronco game and work backwards this week, because there is much to discuss re: college.

BIG MONEY:

Travis Henry. Your Babbydaddy runs like he has mouths to feed. He also catches and blocks. Tatum Bell did none of those things.
Cornerbacks. Maybe this is just because I like Losman, but Champ and Dre had it on lock. Hopefully this continues. Because the rest of the secondary (Lynch, Shoate, Ferguson, Foxworth, Cox, Abdullah) came in somewhere between average and wet hot ass.
Tom Nalen. Dear Paul Posluszny, welcome to the NFL. Love, Tom

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Matt Lepsis. Eesh. Hopefully this is more about Aaron Schobel being a demon, and less about Lepsis being a year older and coming off of injury, because Nalen got abused. For a guy who's going to be seeing the likes of Messrs. Freeney, Merriman, and Kampman, this is concerning.
Ian Gold. Ian Gold can go straight to hell. He has gone from decent to serviceable to bad to shit. Someone take him on a side field and teach him how to form tackle. He's supposed to have the speed to cover tight ends, but he apparently doesn't have the instincts, because he's bad at it.
Paul Smith, Cecil Sapp, Mike Bell, Andre Hall. If even one of these guys is 75% as effective as Kyle Johnson in any phase of the game, I'll be amazed. That fact that they're all on the roster is a travesty. I'm probably going to keep harping on this, so get ready.

STOP!
There was a whole lot of hit and miss this weekend, which is to be expected for week one. There was some seriously questionable play calling (2 straight to Sapp inside the 5?), and some seriously bad special teams play. It's too early to make assumptions, and I'm no expert on special teams expert, but what the fuck is Scott O'Brien teaching? His chosen guy- Paul Smith-, was invisible, Elam was about 3 inches from going 1-4 on field goal, Sauerbrun out kicked his coverage, we still get no pressure (when was the last time Denver had a blocked kick?), and Hixon looks to be another of the same on returns. This looks like another year of extremely underwhelming special teams. Also, why is it that Champ can't play offense or return kicks because of injury risk, but he can play tackling dummy on kick coverage?

How does Cecil Fucking Sapp get the ball twice in a row inside the 5 yard line?

I love Gus Johnson. I'm gonna have Gus Johnson announce the birth of my children:
"HERE COMES THE HEAD, IT'S CROWNING, AND IT'S... IT'S... IT'S... IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!"

Cutler kills me. I wish he was someone else's QB. Not because I don't like him- rather, because I would enjoy the bad plays that end up as wins vs. the horrible plays that end up as losses. Still- gotta love the kid's physical skills and apparent leadership. It sure is nice to come off of an opening road game with a win. I forgot what that felt like. Much more to come, when I get some time.

I really love Marshawn Lynch, he was known in Pac 10 circles to be, um, interesting, to say the least, even by Oakland standards (his hometown). Before Denver signed Babbydaddy, I was talking on one message board or other that Denver should trade up for Lynch, when others were arguing Adrian Peterson. Last year, I was really hoping Ohio State safety Dante Whitner would fall to Denver at 15 (after we traded up, but before we traded UP). He was picked by Buffalo at 9, and we got Cutler. Whitner was the guy making every single tackle against us. I'm just saying, is all.

PS- Get well Kevin Everett. That said, I hope kids don't believe Randy Cross when he said Everett made a perfect form tackle. Far from- he completely went in head first. Here's hoping he makes enough of a recovery to lead a close to normal life, at the very least. And that players everywhere start learning not to tackle like that.

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2007-09-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

JaMarcus The Hut Is About To Sign

According to this article on espn.com, number one overall pick and generally enormous man JaMarcus the Hut might finally be ready to put down the funnel cake and play some football.

I like how the "advisor" who is quoted is JaMarcus the Hut's uncle. And the uncle is questioning the way the Raiders do business. Despite the general comical state of their franchise, these are still highly paid and highly qualified football and business people. JaMarcus the Hut's uncle's major qualification is that he happens to be related to a woman who owns a vagina wide enough to push out a fifty pound kid. I assume, anyway. I mean I wasn't there or anything, but that baby had to be huge. Not me- I was built for speed coming straight out of the womb.

Am I the only one who thinks that the Raiders should now sign Byron Leftwich? I'd put Leftwich, Russell, and Culpepper all on the field at the same time. Is he gonna throw? or throw a mean block on a blitzing linebacker? The Raiders could have a pie eating contest to decide on the starter from week to week. Actually, these fatasses are rich. Make it a lobster eating contest. The east bay would be cleaned out by November. Wait- I don't think there are lobster in the bay by Oakland. Probably just boots and dead bodies. Maybe a Pontiac Fiero.
By the by- that picture of JaMarcus the Hut up there? I hate that fucking picture. Has anyone ever looked dumber in a picture than he does in that picture? He looks like he should be carrying a club and dragging a woman behind him by her hair.
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2007-09-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

Ralphie is Number One!

This is a rehash of an old article, but this guy thinks that Ralphie is the number one mascot in the land. The list seems a little flawed, but he got it right at the top. Ralphie is about the only thing that makes us look like a major college football program. Most mascots don't do anything. Take Bevo, for example. That thing just stands around looking uninterested and waits to get eaten. Ralphie might be the greatest thing about the university, period. To hell with those astronauts and Nobel prize winners.

Also, make sure you scroll down to number 20, where Syracuse has perhaps the most frightening mascot I've ever seen. It looks like a smiling tumor. That's what a Greg Robinson coached team deserves, so it works.

Props to LSU for having a mascot that can kill you, big boo to Florida and Wisconsin for getting rid of their live mascots. I can't think of anything scarier than a college student in charge of a rabid badger in a building full of screaming drunks. That sounds like a match made in heaven!

Another thing the article gets right- leaving out that giant inflatable redneck Nebraska guy. Fuck that guy.

In other Colorado news, this guy thinks the Buffs are a top 25 team. I'm not sure I agree, at least until we prove we can stop the mighty Caleb Hanie, but he's funny about it, so fuck it. Funny is always better than accurate. For the premature ejaculators among you, you might be interested to know that this guy says that 2 other guys think we're going bowling. I predicted an Insight Bowl (note- it's not Insight.com Bowl any more, Ringo) bid before the season, so I agree with one of those guys. An Insight Bowl bid means I go back to Tempe for New Year's Eve. A Texas Bowl bid means I watch from home, because I've vowed never to set foot in Texas again as long as I live.

2007-09-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

Around The Nation

Appalachian State 34- (#5) Michigan 32

Now this is embarrassing. It's one thing to lose to a Division 1-AA school. Colorado did that last year, which was bad. but Colorado wasn't ranked, wasn't good, and had a new coach. Michigan has (had) two potential Heisman candidates (Chad Henne, Mike Hart) and a potential number one overall pick in the NFL draft (Jake Long). Further, at least we know where Montana State is. Where the hell is Appalachian State? Appalachian isn't a state, or even a city. It's an area. you might as well go to a school called Amber Waves of Grain A&M or Take a Right on Main Street After You See The Denny's Tech. I think Appalachian State must be in a Virgina. Regular Virginia or West Virginia or South Virginia or something.

How valuable can a degree from Appalachian State even be? The only majors they have there are Moonshine and Possum Shooting. On the higher education hierarchy, Appalachian State has to rank just below that International Correspondence School that offers degrees in TV/ VCR repair and refrigeration and just above the University of Nebraska.

(#12) California 45- (#15) Tennessee 31

Dear SEC fans: Please shut the fuck up about how great your stupid conference is. You sound like assholes. The Vols got blown out by Cal and Auburn went down to the wire against a Kansas State team that only has one decent player (Josh Freeman, who is a goddamn monster). the rest of your annoying league beat he likes of Western Kentucky, Western Carolina, and Mississippi State (oh wait- they're an SEC team).

If you watched the game, you were treated to 45 minutes of talking about the hippies who are living in trees in protest of a proposed athletic facility. Even Musberger seemed to hate them. Don't hippies want to win the Rose Bowl? Since Cal already owns the trees they want to cut down, and have already said they'd plant three trees for every tree they cut down. I don't see the problem. If I were Cal, I'd tell those dirty hippies to get the fuck out of my trees. If they didn't, I'd just start chopping. I bet those smelly bastards will get out of my trees then. In fact, I'd put a big wood chipper right underneath the trees for extra incentive.

In actual game action, Cal has a whole lot of really fast guys, starting with DeSean Jackson, Justin Forsett, LaVelle Hawkins, Robert Jordan, and Jahvid Best. Unfortunately, none of those guys play defense. The Cal/ USC game should be fun to watch. Take the over.
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2007-09-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Expletive, Expletive, GO CU!

Big win for the Buffaloes on Saturday, as they are now 50% to last season's win total with a 31-28 overtime victory over Colorado's Shitty University.

BIG MONEY:

Chase McBride: Normally, I don't like guys named Chase. But in this case, I'll make an exception. Simply put, we don't win this game without Chase McBride. Without his punt returns at the end of each half, the game his over. I'd say he has ripped the PR job from Stephone Robinson for the foreseeable future. I'm disappointed that I couldn't find an action shot for the top.
Littlehawk: He doesn't have a strong arm. He has a long wind up and doesn't get the ball out particularly quickly. He isn't fast. Normally, these things would be exactly why you wouldn't play a redshirt freshman, but Littlehawk knows the offense better than everyone not named Bighawk. The guy's got "football savvy," whatever that is, and seems to know his limitations. Littlehawk will put us into position to win football games, so it's on the receivers and backs to make plays. That's really all you can ask from a freshman.
Terrance Wheatley: Big kick returns, huge interception, blanket coverage. He's probably the best player on the team, and he showed it. He needs to continue showing it, because our coverage is spotty at best. Hanie completed 80% of his passes against us for his career. That's unacceptable. Wheatley needs to be a college version of Champ Bailey if we're going to be a successful team this year. He has an inordinate amount of responsibility.
George Hypolite: I was really impressed with the hippo. He was collapsing the pocket, and getting after the ball carriers. Kyle Bell got a bunch of yards, but it took him 40 carries to get there. Overall, the defensive line play was inconsistent, but Hippo is the key to that unit this season.
Kevin Eberhart: He made the kicks he needed to make. At the end of the game, Gary Reasons was complaining when the Buffs didn't go for a 47 yard field goal on 4th and 4. Well, it's because Kevin Eberhart can't make a 47 yard field goal, at least not regularly enough to put the game on his leg. He's not Mason Crosby. But compared to most college kickers, he's extremely solid. CU has always been spoiled when it comes to specialists anyway. We didn't even need stupid Scott Bentley. Fuck that guy. Put it this way- if Florida can win a national championship with Chris Hetland, we can win 6 games with Kevin Eberhart.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Ben Burney: with Wheatley on one side, Burney's going to get a lot of attention. the Buffs need to swing coverage his way if he can't get it done. I still have faith, because he's a Mullen kid.
Whoever Tried To Cover Kory Sperry: Good God, what is it about Colorado and tight ends? Off the top of my head: Christian Fauria, Daniel Graham, Joe Klopfenstein, Quinn Sypniewski, Joel Dreesen, Alex Smith, Bo Scaife, and now Sperry, Riar Geer, Tyson Devree, and Joe Sanders. Those are all tight ends who have come from a Colorado university, high school, or both. That seems unusual. Sperry is really friggin' good, and he showed it against CU. I won't be sad to see him go away.
The linebackers: Dizon was simply average (bad first half, good first half= average game), and Brad Jones got pushed around a lot.
The cheerleaders: no wonder we needed to import strippers and hookers to attract recruits. Between our pom squad and the crowd shots, I had to pull up video of the USC Song Girls just to keep from going into a deep depression. Ralphie has his own endowment that funds her program. I propose we start a Hot Girl Import Program as well. We'll import poor naive farm girls from the south and maybe overseas, and they'll be responsible for slutting it up on national TV.

STOP!
Ryan Walters scares the hell out of me. I couldn't figure out where to put him. In the game show parlance, he was the guy who got just enough out of his spins, and then passed his last three spins on to his opponent. Except replace that with something that makes sense. He made his plays, and dude can lay wood, but he makes his hits with he back of his shoulder. Yes- the back. He goes in with the shoulder and then at the last second turns all the way around, so that he's hitting with the "ers" on his jersey. It's like the way Rob Blake checks with his ass.

I don't know what to make of the new uniforms. I don't like the gold patches on the pants, but the gold piping on the jerseys is pretty sharp. I haven't decided if I like the outline around the numbers. It's a little busy for my taste. I definitely like the all black look- we should do the Haka.

Further, it sure seemed like we were running the same few plays we did last year. What's the point of splitting Cody Hawkins wide? He's not B-Jax back there: no one's scared of him making a play. CSU didn't even bother to cover him. Hopefully we open it up more against ASU.

I saw a tee shirt that I really need: It was gold and said Colorado Football: This ain't intramurals, brother! I can't find one on ebay. Help me out- where can I get one? It must be mine.

NEXT UP:
The Stupid Arizona State Sun Devils. Their uniforms make them look like tacos, and their mascot looks like he should be hosting a Saturday morning cartoon show, but they've got a lot of play makers in Rudy Carpenter, Rudy Burgess, and Ryan Torain, and a new coach in Dennis Erickson. Ralphie won't be making the trip due to "logistical difficulties," but myself, Jewger, and my buddy El Jefe will be making the trip, as we do our best to cheer on the Buffs, and hopefully not contract melanoma. I'm sure the team will consider us just as inspirational.

This is an important game. Not only are we playing a BCS team on National TV, but we're playing a PAC 10 team. The west coast is vital to CU's recruiting. If we're going to steal PAC 10 kids, we have to compete at a high level against PAC 10 teams. The last time I checked, there were three or four kids from the state of Arizona alone from the Rivals 250 list who were considering CU. Think they might be watching? Correy Surency is a 5 star Juco recruit from Torrance, CA who has an oral commitment to the Buffs, but is apparently still visiting LSU for the Florida game. Think he won't be watching? More importantly than a lot of wins this season is instilling confidence in recruits that we are on the way back to being an elite team. Our commit list is dreadful right now, and with good reason- our team sucked last year. Frankly, we probably don't want too many out of state kids who would commit to a 2 win, scandal ridden program on probation. 1-0 against an in-state rival is good. 2-0 against a PAC 10 Bowl team would be absolutely huge.

The key to victory for both the team, and for us at the bars after the game will be to confuse our opposition, which shouldn't be too hard, since everyone who goes to Arizona State is borderline retarded (Flanders: "I guess heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State). Since I live in Los Angeles, I think I'm going to pretend that I'm a professional stunt man, or a body double for people who need sexy asses for prudish actors.

Finally, since this is a Colorado post, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Rick Neuheisel can go screw.
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Now playing: EPMD - Play The Next Man
via FoxyTunes

2007-09-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

I Hate You RatFace

Stupid ugly Rat-faced Mike Shanahan did the unthinkable yesterday, cutting my favorite player, fullback Kyle Johnson. I'm 100% positive he did this just to spite me. What other excuse is there for cutting your starting fullback in favor of keeping someone called Andre Hall? Paul Smith? Didn't play much, didn't impress at all. Cecil Sapp? Tried him at fullback last year, and he wasn't any good. Kyle Johnson? 2 years ago was rated as Paul Zimmerman's All Pro fullback, last year was rated as the third best fullback in the NFL by someone from sportsline.com. He's on the street. That's why Shanahan's the coaching mastermind, and the personnel simple mind.

Other notable cuts included Jimmy Kennedy, for whom we paid a draft pick, and Big Money favorites Greg Eslinger and Darrell Hackney. the latter 2 are eligible for the practice squad.

Cuts from around the league include Aaron Glenn, Byron Leftwich, Keenan McCardell, Jared Zabransky, Donovin Darius, and Jeremy Bloom. Kicker Dave Rayner was released by the Packers, meaning Mason Crosby has won that job. Still, a black cloud hangs over the Valgus household, like the Dark Mark hanging over Hogwarts. Christ that was nerdy.
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Now playing: Dead Kennedys - Too Drunk To Fuck
via FoxyTunes

2007-08-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Axe Falls

"Well, alright, as long as you promise to hold me afterwards, and you'd better not go bragging to your buddies tomorrow. "

UPDATE: Rod Smith is physically unable to perform. Rod Smith gets moved to the PUP list, which means he can't be activated until the Steelers game. This is also not really a surprise. If I was a player, I wouldn't like to be on the Physically Unable to Perform list. They need to change the name. Because I can still perform, baby. All. Night. Long. Also updated is that spectacularly unflattering picture of Mike Leach, complete with anal sex joke!

Amazingly, Andrew Mason can't get a scoop from the team that employs him, but the Denver Post is reporting that Paul Ernster, Quentin Harris, Preston Parsons, and Cameron Vaughn also bite the dust. No one anywhere is surprised. UPDATE: Well, since the Rod Smith announcement, the artcile has changed, and now Parsons and Vaughn apparently aren't cut yet. Thanks a fucking lot, Mike Klis. You made me look like an asshole. You've made a powerful enemy, my friend. Whatever- enjoy you're vacations until Saturday, guys. Then you can go back to getting that super soaker off the top shelf for me at Target.

I should be amazed that Ernster got cut. He's younger and cheaper than Sauerbrun, he has out performed him in the games, and he doesn't have the nasty illicit substance problem. Like I said- I should be amazed, but I'm not.

2007-08-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Everyone Hates Mullethead

In a move described as "shocking" by such respected football insiders as the guy on the corner of Beverly Glen and Santa Monica Blvd. who asked me if I had any change, the JV Broncos have decided to part ways with all around horrible human being Bradlee Van Pelt. During the press conference I made up in my head, head coach Gary Kubiak cited all of the reasons listed in this Pulitzer Prize worthy piece of journalism. Also noted as a secondary reason is the fact that he's generally useless in any discernible quarterbacking skill. That picture on the left is Mullethead grinning like an idiot with respected Denver singer Hazel Miller, right before poisoning her drink and raping her dog while wearing that ugly shirt and stupid fedora. I assume, anyway. Who wears fedoras? What are you, a private eye from the 40's? Don't worry Texans fan, you haven't lost a quarterback, you've gained another unemployed redneck, so he should fit right in in Texas. I expect he'll be putting an El Camino up on blocks in his front yard within the week. Also cut was fellow former Denver Bronco Charlie Adams.

(I know I said that I was going to keep using the last post for cutdown day info, but it turns out that I really don't give a shit. It's not like I have any credibility anyway)

UPDATE: former Air Academy star Zach Latimer was let go by the Chargers, because they don't deserve him. Owner of the greatest name in the history of names Buck Ortega was cut by the Browns. now he can go back to his obvious career choice- porn. Expect Buck Ortega and the Insert Funny Porn Title to hit shelves in the back of seedy video stores by Christmas. It makes a great stocking stuffer! Hey, I got it- Buck Ortega and the Stocking Stuff Her. There, that's good enough. Hey, they can't all be gold.

2007-08-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

The First Cut is The Deepest

I don't really have an appropriate picture, so revel in Bobby Humphrey's high top fade. Andrew Mason today dropped a dime on the likely candidates for first cuts:

Running back Cedric Cobbs, fullback Troy Fleming, tight end Teyo Johnson, wide
receiver David Kircus, defensive end Kenard Lang, kicker Brandon Pace, wide
receiver David Terrell and defensive tackle Demetrin Veal were also not on the
field. Shanahan declined to comment regarding the players not on the field. “We
don’t talk about that today. There’s a number of players that didn’t work out
today,” he said. “We’ll announce that (Tuesday).”

I think those guys are all gone. Lang surprised me a little, but he hasn't made any plays in the games (3 total tackles). Veal has one tackle. The rest of those guys are pretty obvious. I mentioned Kircus before, and the remainder just haven't played. More updates as they roll in. I'm just going to keep updating this post. From around the league:

Holcomb traded to Vikings. Remember my game write up, where I said a successful QB combo would have a kid and a veteran mentor who knew his role? This=that.
Kevan Barlow among Steelers cuts. He seems like an interesting option as a backup, but he's a notorious locker room cancer and a whiny bitch when he doesn't get the ball.
Asante Samuel decides he likes money. He'll make his entire 2006 salary every single week, and probably continue to bitch about not getting respect.
Tim Dwight cut by Jets. All the barbed-wire tattoo having guidos down at the shore have lost another hero. First Wayne Chrebet, now this. where will the bloodshed end?

a bunch of other guys got cut, but the biggest name was Jermaine Wiggins, eliciting a mighty "meh" all throughout the land.

UPDATE: For now at least, Troy Smith gets the nod over Drew Olsen for the illustrious position of backing up Kyle Boller and being "mentored" by Rick Neuheisel. Rick Neuheisel can go screw.

UPDATE II: In my haste to make a guido joke, I neglected to mention that the Jets also cut a receiver named Juan Wong. I have no idea who Juan Wong is, but if I was a racist, I might suggest that a an entire factory full of half Mexican/ half Chinese people would be an american industrialist's wet dream. Wait, who is that racist towards?

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Now playing: The Cinematics - Keep Forgetting
via FoxyTunes

2007-08-27T11:58:00.001-07:00

Bill Polian= Jackass

Since football is right around the corner- real football, not football for retards played in a hockey arena or football for sissies played in the preseason- the series of tubes is abuzz with inane clap trap arguments like, "what's better, college or pro?" amazingly enough, guys who report on pro football like pro football better, and guys who report on college football like college football better. Who knew? The correct answer, of course, is that college football is better, because I didn't go to the University of Denver Broncos. The NFL is called the no Fun League. NCAA has USC song girls:

and Boise State awesomeness:

The end. But that's not really what this post is about. In Peter King's column today, he (again- amazingly) mentions the Patriots in every other sentence despite discussing a topic that deals with all 32 teams, and he quotes Bill Polian:

"But colleges do have preseason games,'' said Polian. "They just don't call them
that. Look at what the Big Ten does the first couple of weeks, scheduling
Mid-American Conference opponents. [Elsewhere,] maybe Buffalo goes to Auburn, or Troy State to Nebraska. Lots of the big-time colleges play a couple of those
before they play conference games, and those games serve as their preseason
games.

And then he keeps going, listing a bunch of reasons why pre season games are necessary. The problem, though is that what Bill Polian says is not altogether true. Week one for college football features:

Colorado/ Colorado State (rivalry game)

LSU/ Mississippi State (conference game)

UCLA/ Stanford (conference game)

Tennessee/ Cal

Georgia Tech/ Notre Dame

Georgia/ Oklahoma State

et cetera. There are some doozies (Florida/ Western Kentucky) to be sure, but more and more college teams are scheduling quality early season opponents. And if they lose, they pretty much have no shot at a national champeenship. So shut the fuck up, Bill Polian, unless you're going to be honest. An honest statement goes something like this:

We need pre season games because we really like money. We
have a bunch of it, but we want more, because rich people get to be rich by
being greedy assholes. We charge regular season ticket prices, but don't pay
salaries to the players during the preseason, so we make a shit ton of money.
The fans don't like it, and the players don't like it. So why do we keep doing
it? Because fuck them, that's why. The next step for getting more money out of
you idiots involves taking every fan who walks into the stadium, holding him
upside down by his ankles, and shaking him until all his money falls out. We
were going to implement the system this year, but we're having problems with the
cash collection. Right now we're trying to develop a grate in the floor so that
all the money falls directly into a pit so the owners can swim around in it,
like Scrooge McDuck. But to do that, we have to retrofit all the stadiums. We're trying to hurry though, because Bowlen really wants another fur coat, and baby seal
clubbing season's almost over.

2007-08-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

This Has Nothing To Do With Sports

Check out that video up there and you will witness quite possibly the dumbest human being on the planet. I understand the question, but I seriously wonder whether or not Miss Teen South Carolina does. What the hell is up with the South Carolina public school system? The question is about people who can't find America on a map, but I have serious doubts as to whether or not Miss Teen South Carolina could locate America on a map if it was just a map of America, like the kind you get as place mats at Denny's that just show you where other Denny's are. For that matter, the question could have been, "spell the word map" and I'm betting this chick would just stare at you looking confused before running off stage crying.

This is just another in our ongoing series proving scientifically that chicks shouldn't be allowed to vote, because they are idiots. Unfortunately, I end up dating girls exactly like this, because they are gullible and easily impressed, and I am lazy. My buddy Ryan and I used to go down to a certain bar on Market St. that will remain nameless and just make shit up. Once I convinced a girl that I was a professional bass fisherman. My buddy Ryan took a chick home by convincing her that we had just come back from an African safari. We told her a tale about him saving my life by killing a lion using only a hunting knife and courage.

2007-08-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

"But We're Trying Our Best"

"Well your best is an idiot!" Thanks, Bender. Your prescient wisdom could also be applied to the Denver Bronco defensive line, but we'll get that later. I really like the direction the Browns are going. Eric Wright is a stud, Thomas looks like a keeper, and Brady Quinn is just so handsome... of course, he sounds like a little bitch when he whines about the team shaving his head. Now he just looks like a lesbian. I was, however, disappointed that college mancrush Lawrence Vickers was held out of the game with injury.

BIG MONEY:

Juggernaut. Any time Kyle Johnson scores a touchdown and does his awesome dance, he's the number one star of the game. Kyle Johnson is my hero.
Domenik Hixon. He didn't really do anything great, but he went the whole way at receiver and returner. With cuts looming, I see the receiver core at Walker/ Marshall/ Stokley/ Hixon/ Clark. Bad news for Terrell, Morgan, and Kircus. Also, did you see Rod Smith walking off the field with Walker at half time? He was still limping badly. Marshall had a good game too, especially the hellacious block downfield for Javon.
The offensive line. They did a good job overall, especially Mark Fenton, who was consistently getting to the second level (despite a false start penalty).
Selvin Young. He looked great running the ball, getting to the corner whenever he wanted. I think he's a lock for the practice squad, and has a shot at the active roster if Denver decided to go with Sapp as a swing HB/ FB and cuts Paul Smith. Smith hasn't been impressive, either at fullback or on special teams.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

The defensive line. This is getting to be a broken record. They aren't getting the job done. Period. And I'm trying to believe that the scheme is vanilla for the preseason, but this is awful.
Dre Bly. I don't expect it to be theme, but he got shredded this week. Edwards and Jurevicius were all over him this week.
Patrick Ramsey. Just for the last ditch drive. That was horrible. I was opposed to this signing from the start, and I still am. Successful QB combos follow one of two forms: veteran QB/ young apprentice or young QB/ veteran mentor who knows his place. Ramsey still thinks he has something to prove, so he's trying too hard to make plays where there are none. He held the ball too long and threw the ball too short or into coverage.

STOP!
For those of you in Denver, you missed the glory of Bernie Kosar for the Browns local announce team. He sounds drunk as a Teamster, but he really knows his shit. He's like a big drunken savant. Once, I got completely wrecked on Jack Daniels at Tulagi's, and I spent all night speaking perfect Spanish to my buddy (who is fluent). Sober, I suck at Spanish despite 6 years of lessons. I kind of feel like Kosar is the same way. To get a sense of the way he speaks, stream KROQ radio on line from LA and listen to Jed the Fish. Then make him 20% more intoxicated.

Also, I really don't like Gold and Foxworth. They're both undersized and fast, but they can't really cover, which should be the benefit of the fast. Gary Miller was making excuses for Jamal Lewis blowing up Gold by talking about the weight differential, but he still has to make plays. He doesn't get a free pass because he's small (and he is small- Cardinals safety and resident mancrush Adrian Wilson outweighs him by 15 pounds. And he can cover). Handicaps are for golf and the Special Olympics, not football.

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Now playing: Lupe Fiasco - Superstar
via FoxyTunes

2007-08-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Broncos Sign Some Jerk

Andrew Mason's done it again, this time breaking the exciting news that the Broncos have signed John Browning. To a contract. To play football. If you don't want to go over and read Mason's snoozefest, here's the skinny:

John Browning has played 11 years in the NFL, for the arch rival Chiefs, and I've never even heard of him.
Our John Browning isn't even the most famous John Browning, which is why I'm sticking with the picture of the gun maker John Browning.
Our John Browning went to West Virginia, and as I've discussed in the past- the only things you can major in at West Virginia are Moonshine and Insanity.
the most insightful thing Mason could find about him is that he's wearing 98, which is the same number Carlos Hall (Carlos Who?) wore, and Hall was also a Chief. You can only get that sort of news and insight from denverbroncos.com, folks.

So our defensive line has lost 2 starters, and has been pushed around by absolutely anyone this preseason, and our response has been to sign John Browning. Genius. I'm not saying Jeremiah Trotter or Simeon Rice is the answer, but I am saying that if John Browning is the answer, the question had better be be, "who's that old guy with the bitchin' machine gun?" Here's something to ponder- what is worse than signing John Browning would be if John Browning made the final roster.

On a side note, Lemar Marshall was released today by the Redskins, and if he's healthy, he'd provide far better linebacker depth than anyone we've got, and he'd be better than Trotter, for whatever that's worth.

2007-08-22T09:37:00.001-07:00

The Broncos Are On The Series Of Tubes

So I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention in passing the existence of several other Broncos blogs. While it's a proven science type fact that the only Broncos blogs of any value are this one and the ones linked to on the sidebar, I've also noticed that the Broncos organization has their own little blogosphere. I only have so many hours in the day to read shit, so I don't go there very much, but you might like it. There you can hear from Andrew Mason about how everything is hunky dory in Broncoland and Mike has everyone right where he wants them, or you can go to the Community Development blog where you can read about, um, guys digging with shovels or something. You can read the blog of the guy in the horse costume, who could probably give some great career advice, since he's obviously climbed the stinky costume wearer food chain from the guy dressed like a giant taco handing out coupons for a buy one/ get one free Chalupa Supreme to the glory of his current position. Or you can read Mark Cooper's blog, who apparently used to be a Broncos player and appears to have specialized in scowling and sweating profusely.

More importantly, however, are the cheerleader blogs, belonging to Keela Harris and Laura Sobon. Personally, I blame the XIX Amendment, which allowed women to vote. Ever since then, women have gotten all uppity thinking that they're real people entitled to opinions, and they've forgotten that their major function is supposed to be making me nutritious yet savory meals and vacuuming.* Here's an excerpt from Keela's blog:

Sarah Culter, a fellow teammate and myself decided to put our attention to a
different adventure this past weekend by joining the ultimate race in Denver;
“The Muddy Buddy “of course! For those of you Denverites who have not heard of
the event, it is a sold-out race in Boulder with approximately 900 teams.
Everyone brings their “A” game to the table, competing with names like “The
Mediocres” or my personal favorites, “Kanondo Kakkala Anyika”–my team name of
course( Tonga for “turtle that lives on land”) and “Sparkle Motion,” Sarah
Culter’s team name.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Chicks like this are the reason I gave up threesomes for Lent and never looked back. After several consecutive minutes of rocking their respective worlds, I'd be laying back and trying to decide what kind of sandwich I wanted (usually roast beef), but there'd be some broad to my left jabbering on about, "so my cat was playing with his cat toy, and Sam- that's my cat, he kept batting at it, but then it went under the armoire..." so I'd turn over and try to ignore her, but then there's some other chick who's all, "and then Jaime ran into Dan at Banana republic, and Jaime really like Dan, like likes him likes him, but Tina told me that Dan doesn't like her back..." meanwhile I can't escape so I'm miserable and nobody is making my goddamn sandwich. No thank you. Veteran readers of this site might remember my Cheerleader of the Week feature, which lasted all of one week before I ran out of interesting cheerleaders. Based on a study I'm inventing for the purposes of this point- the hotter they are, the smarter they ain't. Hot chicks have gotten by forever just by being hot, so they usually don't need to be smart or funny or interesting. That's why fat girls are usually funny and give good head- they have to, or no one would look at their disgusting asses.

*note- talk like this is the reason I'm so popular with the ladies. I'm often called "Silver Tongued Devil" over the CB radio because all I need to do is whisper sweet nothings into a girl's ear and sooner or later she's going to be leaving the back of my van with her bra in her purse and a bewildered look on her face. I think it's because of my smooth talk. It might also be the chloroform, but I'm not sure. What am I, some kind of science doctor?

2007-08-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

Mike Vick is Fucked

Quite literally, if you believe all the episodes of Oz I've seen, and of course I do. So if you can't find a link to a Mike Vick story on your own, you probably also can't read and are just happening on the computer screen of the guy who's in charge of wiping your drool and changing your adult diaper, so I'm not going to bother linking to anything. But I'm gonna go on the record by saying "Fuck Mike Vick."

I've read articles that complain that guys like Leonard Little (Vehicular Manslaughter for getting drunk and getting into an acident where some old lady died) are still allowed in the league, but a guy like Mike Vick, who just killed dogs, and not people, is being burned in effigy. Here's the thing for me: Dogs are cooler than people, especially women. All dogs want are for you to scratch their belly and give them a Beggin Strip and throw them a frisbee, and then they love you forever. You also have to pick up their feces, which can be a downer, or you can just do what I do and not give a shit what your neighbor thinks when it comes to feces on their lawn. If I scratch a woman's belly and give her fake bacon and throw her a frisbee, she still wants me to talk about feelings and pick out duvets, whatever the fuck those are, and you have to buy her nice stuff, and you still have to put up with her shit, no matter what your neighbor thinks, because if you do everything a woman ever asks you to do, she will be slightly less pissed at you than she would be if you didn't. A dog will bring you your paper and slippers and will help you and your other freaky friends solve mysteries in the Mystery Machine, but a woman won't even make you a turkey pot pie when you tell her to, even if you tell her that she doesn't look fat and of course her sister's not hotter than she is and, good God, Gina, just let it drop- she's 19 years old and wearing running shorts- OF COURSE I was looking...

Wait, what? oh yeah: dogs> women. It's math, people. To get away from the awesome misogynistic jokes, I'd like to say that Leonard Little and all the guys who get DUIs or Domestic Violence charges or yadda yadda yadda... all of those were bad mistakes, horrible errors in judgement. that's bad, but I can understand someone to be contrite about it.

Mike Vick has run a highly sophisticated, sadistic, and brutal illegal dogfighting and gambling ring for at least 6 years. That's not an error in judgement- that's a way of life. How can anyone believe that he's sorry, ever? I won't, and I'll never forgive him. That said, I have a feeling that some team will. If it's the Broncos, then I am no longer a Broncos fan (note- I don't believe it will be the Broncos). Here's a scenario that I believe is most likely to happen, but it hasn't been talked about:

Mike Vick comes back as a wide receiver. A lot of the negative press, performance wise, is that he'll come back rusty, it's tough to make him the face of a franchise, his skill set is so unique, and he's left handed. None of that matters for a wide receiver. For a good example, just look at the other Vick, the one we thought was the screwy one: Marcus Vick came into the league as a wide receiver, despite the fact that he was a better QB and a worse athlete than his older brother. Why? Because he was a fuck up, and no one would make him a QB. Why is Mike different? He's a shitty QB, but he's a great athlete. I hope he goes away for a long time, but when he gets out, if he gets another chance- I'd bet it would be as a wide receiver/ athlete type.

2007-08-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

Sam Speaks II

Hi, it's me again- Sam. A lot of people have been complaining about the way we played the other day, especially the annoying yet sexy asshole who let's me blog here, so I wanted to address that.

First- we didn't even want to win that game, or play defense. That was the game plan. We were just in Dallas to work out with the Cowboys and get a free meal at Jerry Jones's house. His illegal cook makes really good tacos. And burritos. And Nachos. And waffles. Bates- Jim Bates, the defensive coordinator- he drew up the gameplan on a stripper's ass the night before the game, when we were hanging out with T.O. and Deion Sanders, and Irvin at Cabaret Royale. but then Bates and Irvin got into an argument because Bates wanted Irvin to take off his stupid yellow Hall of Fame jacket, which smelled like stale whiskey and ass, but Irvin didn't want to, and they were both drinking, so the next thing you know, bottles are flying and we're getting thrown out, and the stripper didn't really want to go so we had to work extra hard to get her into the trunk of the car, but the gameplan got all smeared, so we were up shit creek the next day ("Up shit creek" was what Deion kept saying he wanted to do to that stripper, but I don't really know what that meant, and anyway, we left him at the club. So we didn't even know what was what.

2nd- those other guys really wanted to win. They kept blitzing that ugly kid who plays quarterback for our team. I think his name is Cutlery. Anyway- they kept blitzing him. I think the Cowboys guy, who is Bum Phillips's fat daughter, I think she had it out for the Broncos. I bet Bates turned her down for a charity screw at a convention or something. you know what else Bum's daughter used to do? She used to be on the Drew Carey Show. This here on the right is her with a pretty nice hat:

So anyway, that's what happened. We didn't even care. Sucks for all those Texans that had to pay all that money to watch us. It's not like they had anything better to do. what do people do for fun in Texas, anyway? Executions and racism are like the official state hobbies.

So then, me and Leonard Davis went out to eat. Davis is Big. No, like that's what people call him- Big. I guess his friends aren't very creative. So me and Big go out to eat, and we start talking about my idea. It turns out that chickens do have ribs, but the ribs don't have any meat on them. So we're gonna open a restaurant called Rib Stickin' Ribs & Chicken, and all were gonna sell is chicken and ribs. And maybe spaghetti. Big really likes spaghetti. Then I start talking about my kids. I've got 2 kids. My friend Joe has one kid, and he named his kid Joe too, but not after him. He named his kid after Mean Joe Greene. I thought that was pretty cool, but I don't really like Mean Joe Greene, so I named my kids after guys I really like. So I start showing Big pictures of Aunt Jemima and Dig Dug, but I don't see them much, so I don't have much to talk about. Then we had a burping contest. I've got to go now. Something reminded me that, um, I really need to check my trunk. Something's starting to stink in there.

2007-08-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Breakin' It Down II: Electric Boogaloo

Let me tell you about living in Los Angeles. First, despite the fact that I spend a ridiculous amount of money on NFL Sunday Ticket and the super upgraded programming package, DirecTV still won't

let me watch preseason games live. Instead, I have to wait with the rest of the unwashed masses for the game to come on NFL Network a full day late, which means I can't watch any sports programming, or read the sports section in the paper, or go to too many places on the internet, out of fear of ruining the result. Also, during the broadcasts, the NFL Network itself does its best to ruin the result by running a crawl of games scores and stats, including scores and stats for the very game I'm trying to watch, so I have to tape a newspaper over the bottom of the screen to avoid seeing the crawl. Well guess who ruined the result of the game for me? Mike Fucking Shanahan, that's who. Thanks a lot, dickwad, for ruining my perfectly adequate Sunday afternoon.

BIG MONEY:

Um.... Brian Clark? That guy was pretty good. I just finished a compelling book called "The Chronicles of Devoe" that pretty much proves Brian Clark will make the team. The book started out one really great sequence, but then it didn't go anywhere for the entire rest of the book, but everyone was still asking, "what happened to the protagonist, he was soooo good in the beginning," even though he really wasn't. Then it just ended unceremoniously. Whatever- Clark looked better than Morgan both returning kicks and catching passes.
Dan Graham continues to block the shit out of anyone who gets near him, so that's pretty cool.
that's all I got.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Mike Shanahan. After his utterly craptacular game plan, he had the gall to bitch and moan about the Cowboys playing, you know, hard. He said that there was some unwritten rule about not blitzing or going 100%, and the Cowboys broke that rule. Boo fucking hoo, Shanahan. Maybe this is why your teams are never ready to go when week one roles around. Maybe you should start wearing a stupid sweater vest and playing the guitar, and then take all your underachieving players tubing down Boulder Creek. Man, do I hate Rick Neuheisel. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah- get your fucking team ready, RatFace.
I really don't understand the defensive philosophy. They don't do ANYTHING. It's a read and react philosophy, and right now, the players can't do it. This needs to change right now. The defense is terrible. No pressure, no dynamic plays, nothing. They don't even pretend to blitz. The line doesn't do anything. From what I see, the line plays the way a 3-4 line would, except with 3 gaps instead of 2 (the tackles were lined up on the outside of the guards, for some reason). And our linebackers, whose strengths are going sideline to sideline, are now responsible for plugging the gaps, instead of just running to the ball. I don't get it. Granted, this might be a result of RatFace's "sleepwalk through the preseason" coaching style, but that doesn't exactly invoke confidence.

STOP:

So that was it. It was an ugly game, and even when we were scoring points, I really wasn't that interested. On NFL Network, the announcers start with the home team, and then switch to the away team, so we started out with the Cowboys announcers, who aren't aware that football exists anywhere but Texas, so they spend all their time explaining everyone's ties to Texas. they also say that anything the Cowboys do well is because of the Cowboys, but anything the Broncos do well is because of the Cowboys' failure. Then we switched to the Broncos announcers, where Gary Miller (?) continued his record streak of 20 consecutive years of never knowing anyone's name, and Reggie Rivers' continuing his self deprecating "humor" about how shitty he was when he played. Nice to have some continuity, guys!

In other news, Gerard Warren was traded to the Raiders for a 2008 draft choice. I'm not exactly sure what he was good for on the field, but his beard growing responsibilities, along with those of Jake Plummer, will now be shouldered by Travis Henry and Dan Graham, as well as rookie Marcus Thomas. Senior beard grower Nick Ferguson also remains.

2007-08-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Lane Kiffin has been K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Raiders coach Lane Kiffin was released from the hospital after being admitted with what is believed to be mononucleosis. He's under strict orders not to yell for a while, which means there's pretty much nothing stopping Warren Sapp from eating that last piece of pizza.

Now, I didn't pay attention in health class, and the only health related text I can find lying around my house is a pamphlet I got from the free clinic called "Living With Hepatitis," so I'm going to have to go by what my friend Mark told me in 5th grade. "Mononucleosis is a disease that trampy 12 year old girls get when they make out with older boys- probably older boys who smoke."

"That's why Tricia hasn't been to school for so long?"

"Yep, I heard she was making out with the janitor."
"Darren said she might be pregnant."
"Darren's an idiot. She's just got mono- you know the kissing disease."
"What a bitch. Whatever, I don't even like her any more. I think Sarah just got a bra."

...at least that's how I remember the conversation. Then I got pegged with a dodge ball. So it's absolute science fact that Lane Kiffin has been making out with someone he shouldn't be. No matter what, it's pretty funny that the head coach of the big bad Oakland Raiders got a disease for over developed junior high school girls. That's not good company to be in. So who has Lane Kiffin been with, up in a tree?

4 to 1 odds: Chris Simms
10 to 1 odds: Ryan Seacrest
100 to 1 odds: The janitor at Willow Elementary School

2007-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Fox Ruins Super Bowl

Well thanks a fucking lot, Fox. you take the 2nd greatest day on the NFL calendar (after the NFL Draft), and turn it into yet another day for chicks and gay guys by announcing that RYAN FUCKING SEACREST will host the Super Bowl pre game and half time shows.

For those of you who don't know, Ryan Seacrest is like a goddamn virus. He hosts American Idol, has a morning radio on KISS FM in Los Angeles, and hosts pretty much every single red carpet awards show thingie there is. I'm not sure how many there are, but off hand, I can think of Oscars, Emmys, um, do they still give out Grammys? Teen Choice Awards? Whatever- I don't watch those fucking things. you know what I do watch? Football. And now a guy whose favorite part of football is probably watching the quarterback lovingly caress the buttocks of the center as he waits for the snap is gonna queerify it.

For years, the NFL has been showing utter disdain for their base demographic by interviewing lame celebrities like Christian Slater during Monday Night Football and putting on awful kickoff weekend concerts featuring horrible music acts like the Black Eyed Peas. The Super Bowl is less about football and more about Janet Jackson's saggy boob or the latest Pepsi ad or two weeks of human interest stories about some tired veteran desperately chasing a ring (I remember a half hour segment devoted to Seth Joyner once) or who's bringing the 7 layer dip to the party of who's in charge of the sad little Super Bowl Squares betting grid (I hate that fucking grid). Fuck all of that. I just want to watch a goddamn football game. Which is why I like the draft more- they actually show football.

Think of it this way- broadcasters go out of their way to make NFL fans look like idiots. When I think of NFL fans, it doesn't take long before an image of a cross dressing fat guy in a pig nose comes up, or the Raiders guy in spikes, or a fat guy with his shirt off. Ads during NFL games are pretty much limited to beer, fast food, antacid, and (insultingly) erection dysfunction. Well go fuck yourself, Fox Network. I know where your office is.

I'm generally pretty apathetic, but this settles it- I'm taking a stand. Ryan Seacrest, you, sir, are banned from my house. It's not that hard to do, because I don't watch award shows and I don't listen to KISS FM, but I do like to have something to talk about at work, so I do watch American Idol. No more. Any time Seacrest's pathetic little stubbled face shows up on my TV, another channel will magically appear. I encourage you all to do the same.

Note- I can't seem to find confirmation of this in any of the mainstream media, so for now, all I've got to go off of is my super secret highly placed media sources. Confirmation to come. Fuck you, mainstream media, I just scooped you!

UPDATE: Unsurprisingly, the first announcement I found of this wasn't from NFL.com, or ESPN, or any other sports news outlet. Nope, I found it on fucking Variety. Whatever- it's confirmed. Once again: FUCK. OFF. FOX.

2007-08-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Real Sports Recap

So Real Sports with some Gumbel or other features three football related stories- Pac Man Jones and his nonsense, Mike Vick and his nonsense, and the nonsense thrust upon Javon Walker.

Pac Man Jones is a delusional prick. Apparently he didn't do anything to anyone. He's just an innocent bystander. All the time. He looked like a smug asshole all the way through Gumbel's interview, and then he apparently went and bought a new boat. He also said that he was just an easygoing dude, while at the same time looking like he's about three seconds away from punching Whichever Gumbel in the face, just for asking the questions that he had to know he was going to get asked. Jones said, "It's not really for me to make y'all believe, as long as my inner circle, and the people around me know that I'm trying my best..." Why the fuck does your crew need to know that your trying to turn shit around? They're the ones fucking you up, stupid! If you turn your shit around, they all get dropped. There are judges and a commissioner's office that you need o worry about convincing, not your lowlife friends. What a jackass.
In the dog segment, the first backwoods redneck piece of trash is a coward. He likes dog fighting because of the adrenaline rush HE gets, despite not ever being in any danger himself. The video footage is disturbing, to say the least. I don't like this very much. Frankly, I'm more than a little disgusted. Also- he has a stupid hat. According to piece of trash number 2, dogfighting isn't any more violent than football. I'll believe that the next time I see Mike Vick get drowned by Arthur Blank for failing to convert a crucial third down. This segment is really sickening. Then they euthanized a fighting dog and dumped him in a trash bag. I can't believe I'm looking forward to hearing the Javon Walker part of this show.
The story's pretty well known, so there's no reason to recap. Until the interview got passed around, I was unaware that Brandon Marshall's cousin was an instigator. One of Darrent's Texas buddies said that he heard girl say, "c'mon, let's go. These Denver dudes, they shoot. They crazy. I been to the clubs plenty of times. Somebody's gonna start shooting." Not to discount this version, since it obviously stems from something, but I've been to the clubs (including the club in question) many many times, and I've never seen anyone start shooting. Ever. It really bothers me that Denver's getting this kind of stigma. What bothers me even more is that there's at least a little truth to it. Walker said that at first, he didn't want to come back to Denver, and he still doesn't know how the murder's going to affect him. He's responded by closing himself off from everyone, and he said he'll probably never let it go. Regardless of football, I just hope Javon can find a happy life, because in the interview, he looked pretty hollow.

The end was some bullshit about tennis, which no one except rich British people and my buddy Jewger likes, so I won't bother.

2007-08-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Peter King Still Sucks

As usual, I'm a day late and a dollar short, but Peter King had an absolutely fascinating tidbit in his MMQB column yesterday (wait, what? Peter? fascinating? Believe it). We all know that Peter King is an incredibly boring human being. The only things he appears to like are things that pretty much everyone likes, like the Sopranos, and Brett Favre, and Peyton Manning, and anything the Patriots do, and Starbucks. One of his bullet points is called "Factoid that might only interest me" and you can bet your bottom dollar, mister, that in fact it absolutely only interests him. Then he complains about having to travel, and having to stay in hotels with subpar gyms. Occasionally he tells you about things going into and coming out of his various orifices (What I ate at Dairy Queen; News from my colonoscopy). He really likes the Red Sox. But this, about the HBO series Hard Knocks, is the best thing he has ever said and will ever say:

They're so fast-paced and move from one drama to the next and one scene to the
next, that you don't really get the feel of what camp is truly like. Very often,
camp is boring, tedious and full of drills you can't watch for very long or
you'll go crazy. If the show is to be the real story of training camp, it must
point out -- not just in flashes but in minutes -- what really happens at camp,
which is often extraordinarily humdrum.

Go back and read it a few times: Peter King's problem with television is that it's too fast paced and exciting. So that pretty much proves that Peter King is the most boring human being on the planet. He strikes me as the type of guy who would really like oatmeal, except someone's always messing it up by adding crazy things like raisins and brown sugar, or would really like the Golden Girls except for that randy Blanche Devereaux, who's always tarting around like a trollop. How can this guy stand the Sopranos? Does he know what those words mean? well there you go, fat cat network executives high up in your fancy offices in "Hollyweird" (see what I did there?): in order to get Peter King on board with your new show, your going to need to cut out all the shenanigans like "drama" or "jokes," which make him confused and uncomfortable. Actually, it sounds like he'll really like that Cavemen show.

2007-08-14T12:39:00.001-07:00

It's About Goddamn Time

So the Broncos' preseason schedule officially kicked off yesterday. There was some good, and some bad, and I don't know if you heard this- Bill Walsh died. I know. It's practically off the radar. I think there might be some sort of government conspiracy, because no one's talking about it. Check the technique:

BIG MONEY:

Travis Henry is a beast. I don't think it's at all premature to say the Broncos haven't had a runner who can break tackles like Trav since a certain number 30 who kept getting migraines was toting the rock. Okay, maybe a little presumptuous, but a welcome change from Tatum Bell, who fell down if you so much as gave him a dirty look.

Dan Graham, my friends, is a mutherfucking MAN. On the first goal line attempt, he was blocking roughly half the 49ers defense. Unfortunately, no one else could be bothered.

Jay Cutler. It was only one series, but even Jaworski noticed him checking off of his primary receiver when covered. He threw the ball well, and looked faster than I thought he would. good drive, and get the hell out.

The offensive line as a whole. They were blowing huge running lanes and kept pressure to a minimum. A nice sign for a unit that's more unsettled than at any time under RatFace.

Abdullah/ Cox/ Cargile. It's getting borderline insulting to watch the 3-4-5 safeties flying around and making plays, and then watch Lynch run into the frame 3 seconds after the play was over to help up the other team's running back, or Ferguson do absolutely nothing. Hamza the Hammer especially was flying around and just killing dudes. He looked like a fast version of Kenoy Kennedy.

Nate Webster was pretty much the only guy in the front seven who was making plays.

WHAMMIES OF THE WEEK:

Anyone else worried about the defensive line? Because those guys really sucked. No pressure whatsoever. I counted one play where the front four pushed the QB out of the pocket (or to the ground) without it being as a result of good coverage down field- Dumervil's sack. Then the 49ers just ran screens and draws at him to compensate for his over pursuit. And a starting front 4 of Engelberger/ Gordon/ Adams/ Ekuban is about the worst front four in the league. The rookies better earn their big boy pants with the quickness.

Patrick Ramsey. God he throws like a girl. and not a good-throwing girl. He throws like my grandma, who has osteoporosis and isn't allowed to bowl any more.

Domenik Hixon. Because of his complete inability to come back for Ramsey's wounded ducks, any ball thrown to him had as much a chance as being caught by the other team as it did being caught by Hixon.

The douche bag in the Elway jersey who was always in the background. when they were interviewing Broncos. Yes, we see you talking on your phone. Yes, all your buddies see you. Good- hold up the jersey so we can see the number. Now wave your hand up and down for no apparent reason. Then flash a peace sign. Repeat until Michelle Tafoya throws it back to the booth. Congratulations! Everyone hates you.

ESPN. There should never be a camera in the booth. No one needs the compelling television of watching three old guys sitting and talking. I also don't need 45 minutes of Jerry Rice highlights. Or the picture in picture dealie where a third of the screen is covered by a bunch of red and an ESPN logo.

STOP!:

My new favorite player might be Wesley Mallard, because he sounds like a cartoon carachter. "Stay tuned, kids, next up is Wesley Mallard and his sidekick, Zippy the Fire Safety Squirrel!"

former CU Buff Brian Iwuh led the Jaguars in tackles for their preseason game, for whatever that's worth.

Seriously though- Bill Walsh died. I bet you didn't know that.

2007-08-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Preseason Week One

Thanks to some special circumstance and even specialer media connections (meaning I don't have much to do, but I do have the NFL Network), I'm able to bring you coverage from all over the league's opening preseason weekend. I've seen a bunch of teams, but here's what I like the least: The stupid NFL Network runs stats and scores on a crawl at the bottom of the screen. So, while I'm watching a pretty exciting Bengals/ Lions game, the bottom of the screen is telling me the result of the Bengals/ Lions game. Idiots. I know it doesn't matter, but throw me a friggin bone. Anyway...

Jon Kitna is going to get killed this year. The Mike Martz offense is specially designed to get the quarterback beaten like a cheap pinata with no blindfold (see also: Warner, Kurt and Bulger, Marc). The offense has a lot of deep route which require pass blocking for an extended amount of time, and doesn't use hot routes. when the QB recognizes a blitz. That's not good for a QB's health. What's worse is when your new right tackle is George Foster, and your new tailback (Tatum Bell), who now has sole responsibility for picking up blitzes, isn't good at blocking in general or picking up blitzes specifically. Have fun with that. However, when he's healthy, Kitna will throw for a shit ton of yards. Calvin Johnson looks like the real deal. He's so smooth, and has such good body control that he looks like he's moving in slow motion, even when he's outrunning everyone else on the field.

The Chiefs look like wet hot hell. The offense was terrible, even against a pretty crap Browns team. Larry Johnson should just bring a tape of that game into his contract negotiations and press play. Speaking of the Browns- Hank Fraley is the worst center in the world. He was shitty when he was in Philadelphia (don't think it's a coincidence that the Eagles didn't run the ball when Fraley was their starter, especially up the middle), and he's shitty now. That said, the left side of that line, Eric Steinbach and Joe Thomas, looked pretty solid, and Eric Wright's going to be a star corner within two years.

Don't believe for a second that Vince Young would have been suspended if this were the regular season.

Now on to the Giants/ Panthers game I'm watching right now. I like the Panthers a lot. I'vebeen a fan ever since (to make a long story short) they got me laid by beating the Cowboys in the playoffs. Also, I hate Eli Manning. Every time I see the Manning family commercial featuring Matt Leinart, I want Archie to say, "pack your shit and get out, Eli. You disgrace the name. From now on, you're Eli Marinovich." Anyway... on the Panthers' first offensive series, Steve Smith recreated the greatest touchdown dance ever- the Kyle Johnson patented pony ride- and the Panthers took the lead. I like Jake Delhomme, but I was pretty excited to see David Carr. I'm an unabashed Carr fan. Not only does he have a strong jaw and deep brown eyes a guy could just get lost in, but he led a comeback against my Colorado Buffaloes that single handedly kept us out of the National Championship game, and catapulted him to the number one pick in the NFL draft. I refuse to believe that such a god among men could be a pro failure. David Carr cost us a shot at a ring (actually- they cost us an even worse embarassment than we suffered against Joey Harrington, but that's not important. By the way, I'm thoroughly convinced we could have beaten any team in the country if we'd played he week after the Big XII Championship Game, because we were rolling, but that's a lament for another time). What was I talking about? Oh yeah- football game or something.

Carl Banks called Jared Lorenzen "the Hefty Lefty or the... you know... Ground Mound of... you know, quarterbacks." Um, that's "Round Mound of Touchdown," Carl Banks. By the way- the most bizarre thing I've seen this preseason is the Giants' preseason play by play guy. He has an absolutely enormous head. His head, on his body, looks like a bad photoshop job, or a big fat bald Bobblehead doll. It's completely mesmerizing. If I had any idea how to use youtube, I would upload the video, but I don't, so you can come over to my house and watch it if you want- I've got the 30 seconds of his head on Tivo. Banks also called the Gants defense "permeable," which is wonderful.

DeSahun Foster looked great, and I fully expect the "Double D's" running crew of DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams to have a big season. I like Dwayne Jarrett (the most impressive college receiver I've ever seen live) and Smith, and Keary Colbert (I hope, at least. Colbert was one of my favorite college players ever). The offensive line looked quick and powerful, and the defense swarmed to the ball and made plays. They need better play from the corners, but Carolina could be a Super Bowl contender, and yet all I see are the Saints and Eagles being touted. Don't sleep on the Panthers.

The Giants looked, well, permeable. To me, it looks lik no one wants to play for Tom Coughlin. Coughlin looks like he's trying to be more of a player's coach, but you can tell that he's just an old curmudgeon, who can't understand these kids and their hippity hop music. I think he likes young curmudgeon Eli Marinovich more than actual talent like Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress. The Giants play like they just want to collect a paycheck and get the hell out of the stadium. One guy I really love (along the same lines as Keary Colbert) is Steve Smith, my favorite receiver from this year's draft.

When the broadcast switched in the second half- to the Panthers' feed- I cringed, because the Panthers' local broadcast is he equivalent of a high school game broadcast on a regional sports network. Simply terrible. On the plus side, Brett Basanez threw a sweet pass for a touchdown, and the Broncos are on tomorrow. I'm done here. Peace out.

2007-08-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

Let's Check The Depth Chart!

So the first depth chart was posted Monday, and there's not much surprise. My favorite part was Darrell Hackney being listed as the 3rd QB. I love Darrell Hackney. He's fucking adorable. He's 6' 140 lbs. To put that into perspective- 1st round pick-, and defensive end- Jarvis Moss is 250 lbs. And 6 inches taller. Hackney is like Rohan Davey Jr. I hope he makes the teams and ends up blowing up the wedge on kickoffs or something.

Otherwise, we've got Mike Bell in the third string running back spot, behind eminently disposable Cecil Sapp. I really hate the running back depth. Chances are, Henry's going to miss a game or two, and Denver has no one backing him up. Something called Andre Hall is listed as 4th, right in front of Big Money favorite Selvin Young. Possibly most disconcerting is Quincy Morgan listed as the top Kick Returner and also listed at about 8th on the wide out list. Tat means we're wasting a roster spot, when that roster spot could be going to another tight end (ZING!)

Defensively- man, I've got to admit- I kind of like the defensive tackle rotation. Tose fatsos had better work their damn asses off, but we have four guys to fill 2 spots, all of who are legit, and one of whom (Marcus Fucking Thomas) is going to be a (non-stoned) superstar. He reminds me of Warren Sapp, both in penetration ability (that's what she said) and pot smoking predilection (remember- Sapp dropped as far as he did for testing positive for the demon weed before the draft). Otherwise, Ilike seeing Big Black Cox and Hamza the Hammer backing up at safety- at the very least (VERY least), they'll destroy on special teams. The linebacker depth, shall we say, disturbs me. Bcause there isn't any.
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Now playing: Pharoahe Monch - Body Baby
via FoxyTunes

2007-08-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

And So It Begins...

So the NFL season sort of began tonight with the Michael Irvin Loving Handjob Also Featuring Football Teams. At one point, Bryant Gumbel apologized to Irvin, who was in the midst of telling the same story for the third time, because Bryant had to, you know, talk about the game. All of the other new HoFers got their time, but tonight was all about Mike. And how he used to be a fuck up. But now he's down with the Notorious G.O.D. so he can give advice. I have some advice, too: Fuck off, Michael Irvin. Wait, is that advice? Whatever.

In actual game action, pretty much every single Steelers player looked better than every single Saints player. The exceptions were Nate Washington and Willie Reid of the Steelers, who couldn't hold onto the ball, despite a job description that consists of little more than "hold on to ball," and Saints players Pierre Thomas and David Jones. Thomas is a rookie running back who looked good catching swing passes and running faster than all of the other guys on the field, and Jones is a rookie who looked good simply by not being all of the other Saints' corners. Seriously, the Saints' corners were terrible, consistently getting burned on double moves, single moves, pretty much every movement that involved a wide receiver moving off of the line of scrimmage. Jones made one play, so he won the battle of Saints' corners.

Tyler Palko was another Saint who looked like absolute shit, pretty much chucking passes designed to get nowhere near a Saints receiver while at the same time putting his receivers in position to get the shit knocked out of them. Robert Meachem should kick Tyler Palko in the balls.

I think a lot of the disparity in play had to do with the fact that the Steelers run a tougher camp than the Saints do. They just looked more ready to play football.

Already in midseason form, however, was the NFL Network coverage. They managed to combine cable access level production quality, high quality reporting from Adam Schefter and Cris Collinsworth, and absolutely horrible reporting from Sanders, Mariucci, Faulk, and Gumbel. During half time, Sanders was "analyzing" a pass play where Cedrick Wilson ran right by Fred Thomas and made he play about 15 yards down field. Sanders called it a double move. Considering Wilson was already past Thomas 2 yards off the line, the first move must have been "leave the line of scrimmage"and the second was "catch ball." Then Marshall Faulk talked about how "I can really tell that Reggie Bush has been working on his inside running" while watching a play where Bush ran far around right end for 5 yards. He finished with 2 carries for 8 yards. Um...

With the NFL Network, you also get the admirable ability to watch the same ten commercials over and over again all day, with about 7 of them being for NFL products, and tonight's game was no exception.In addition to NFL.com fantasy football, nflrush.com, United Way, Madden '08, and 3 commercials for the NFL Network's programming, I also got to watch commercials for Heineken, Wendy's, and the Home Depot. Because NFL fans like beer, disgustingly unhealthy food, and building shit. Last year NFL fans like Gatorade and Snickers bars, I think. Oh, and I promise you- I will never in a million years order something called "the Baconator." Not only would I be embarrassed to have to say the name out loud (from the same chain that brought you "Biggie" sizing!), but I would probably have a heart attack about halfway through.

Also, Michael Strahan issued a press release saying that he still didn't know what he was doing. Apparently he, Brett Favre, and Roger Clemens have the same publicist.

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Now playing: UGK - International Players Anthem (Feat. Outkast)
via FoxyTunes

2007-08-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

The Hall of Fame Debate is Original

The Hall of Fame Induction ceremony extravaganza, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, there are no Denver Broncos on the docket. To the surprise of some one- namely me- people are actually starting to talk about it.

From the World's Greatest grandpa, Paul Zimmerman:

"Doug of New York brings up something I hear every year at this time. The
Broncos, who have been to six Super Bowls, have only one Hall of Famer? Is this fair? Is this just? "What about Gradishar, Mecklenburg, Zimmerman, Little and Davis?" he asks. And I could add Alzado and Jackson and my personal choices, Richie, Tombstone, Jackson. Great players all, but not the greatest, except for Jackson. But when Terrell Davis comes up this January, you're going to see some real action. The anti faction will say his career was too short. The pro faction, of
which I will be a member, will argue quality over quantity. And thank you for
what you wrote."

Also, someone from ESPN discovered parts of America not called Boston or New York, because one of their guys called Mike Sando wrote this article. Frankly, it's a pretty stupid argument. It essentially argues that since the Broncos have consistently won at a high level, they should have a bunch of Hall of Famers. For proof, he cites other teams who have consistently performed at a high level. That sounds good in theory, until you realize that consistently good means consistently good, not excellent. For example, Barry Sanders was the best player I ever saw, bar none. His teams fucking sucked though. How many Hall of Famers do you see on New England's sideline? Brady, maybe Seymour, and we're done here.

I refuse to speculate on the greatness of players I didn't really see, so I won't bother with Gradishar or Tombstone Jackson or any of the other old guys. I think football players are the hardest to evaluate, because what they do is so dependant on their teammates. Was the running game good because of the line, or because of the back? I began to fully appreciate football around 1989 (beginning with the Atwater Dynasty), so I'll start there:

Atwater: Loved him. My favorite player, maybe ever. Not a Hall of Famer
Rod Smith: Not a Hall of Famer. Never the best at his position, rarely mentioned in the top 5, even. Consistently good. Statistically speaking, he's almost identical to Keenan McCardell. Is Keenan McCardell a Hall of Famer? Absolutely not. Arguing anything about him being undrafted is retarded. Where a guy is drafted does not count once you're in the league. Also, he was a dick to me once, so fuck that guy.
Terrell Davis: Best player on the best Broncos teams ever. 2,000 yard rusher, et cetera, et cetera. Not a Hall of Famer. His productive years were simply too short. "But if he didn't get hurt he could've..." but he did get hurt. It sucks, but frankly, it sucks for Garrison Hearst, too. And that guy who was the rookie of the year and then blew out his knee at the Pro Bowl (Robert Something). Also, I've got to knock him down a little because of the success of the running game without him. If Olandis Gary can get a thousand, that means Davis is twice as good as Gary. On any other team, twice as good as Olandis Gary is who? Jamal Lewis?
which brings us to Tom Nalen and Gary Zimmerman: I absolutely think they should be in there. I think the no talking to the media thing hurts them both.
Who else is there? Elam? Pryce? No and no.

Let me finish by saying that I would judge the Hall of Fame much tougher than most. In my mind, greatness is obvious, it's almost blatant. If there's a lot of questions, than the answer is probably no. Curtis Martin? No. He's the Rod Smith of running backs. Favre? Yes. Brady? Yes. Manning? yes. Ray Lewis? Yes (unfortunately). Urlacher? No. Strahan? No. Simeon Rice? No. Derrick Brooks? Yes. Torry Holt? Yes. Harrison? Yes. Randy Moss? No. Absolutely. I left out John Lynch. I think he'll get in, but I wouldn't vote for him. For as much shit as I give him, I really used to like John Lynch (honest). His college teams at Stanford with Ron George and Glyn Milburn and Steve Stenstrom were among my favorites. But if he gets in, it'll be because of his work with Tampa, so he's not in the Broncos discussion.

2007-07-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for a while, and with good reason- I kind of hate sports right now. Between Tim Donaghy and Mike Vick and the absolute lunacy of the Tour de France and Barry Bonds, lately sports have just depressed me more than real life, when sports is supposed to be an outlet. Ugh- instead, I'm gonna go read about some skanky celebrities getting arrested for being assholes.

It's training camp time, but I live in Los Angeles, so I can't go. Instead, I just read about it, mostly at www.milehighreport.com. that's a pretty good clearing house for all the days quotes. Everyone seems to be talking about Curome Cox, which is a good thing, because Curome Cox is a badass.

2007-07-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

Sam Speaks

Hi, I'm Sam. Sam Adams. I'm a new Broncos lineman guy. We just started camp. Training Camp. So far it's going pretty good. Me and the other old guys, like, um, fast cornerback, annoying white guy, and Scrooge- we only have to play one practice a day, but everyone else has to play 2 practices. I think it's cause we're so good. But I'm not real sure, because that white guy's not so good. I don't even know what position he plays. Maybe kicker.

You know who I think is good so far? Marcus Thomas. He can do a back flip. Not even off the high dive at the YMCA or anything. Just off the ground. I wish I could do a backflip. But I can't. I tried, and I just fell on my back. Then I couldn't get up for like ten minutes. 2 other guys had to help me up.

I really wish I had some ribs now. Ribs or chicken. Do they make chicken ribs? Because those are my 2 favorite things. I should invent chicken ribs. I'll call it Rib Stickin' Ribs of Chicken. That's a good name. I found this on the internet. It's called Bacon Salt. And there motto is "everything should taste like bacon." They're right. I'm gonna use Bacon Salt on my Rib Stickin' Ribs of Chicken. I ordered the sampler pack. I haven't got it yet, but I'm pretty excited. One of their quotes is, "Why have fries, when you can have bacon fries?" That's a pretty good point.

You know what I'm gonna put Bacon Salt on first? Bacon. Doesn't that just blow your mind? Yeah- me too. Maybe pie. Bacon pie sounds pretty good.

Alright, I'm gonna go now. It's time to haze the rookies. It's my turn to beat Jarvis Moss with a sock full of tangerines.

2007-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Michael Silver Rates The Owners

Poorly, I should add. On his stupid list, Pat Bowlen ranks 10th. I could see ranking him so low if you had a legitimate reason, like his strange affinity for fur coats and Hawaiin shirts (not at the same time, thank God), but Silver doesn't use any of those reasons. Instead, he says:

Bowlen's teams do a lot of winning on the football field -- though, as Broncos
fans are all too aware, they've only managed one playoff victory since John
Elway retired after the '98 season. And Bowlen has strongly supported the coach
and de facto GM, Mike Shanahan, who guided the franchise to back-to-back Super
Bowl titles in Elway's final two years. But Bowlen, another big spender with
a good stadium situation and who is influential in league matters, recently bore
some responsibility for an embarrassing defeat in the courtroom. In May the New
York Supreme Court ruled that Comcast is free to relegate the NFL Network to a
premium all-sports tier, potentially keeping a large amount of fans from viewing
regular-season games. Bowlen, who chairs the NFL's broadcast committee, had sold
his fellow owners on heeding the advice of NFL Network boss Steve Bornstein, who
last fall advocated suing Comcast rather than trying to work out a settlement.
Oops.

aaaand... stop! Actually, you can pretty much stop right after the first sentence. "Bowlen's teams do a lot of winning on the football field."

The end! Isn't that the fucking point, stupid? Yes- yes it is. Yet you rank him behind the guy who owns the Texans. Here's a quote from his post about Bob McNair: "That said, he has established a highly valued franchise..." No, he didn't ESTABLISH a highly valued franchise. He purchased a franchise for a ridiculous sum of money. By paying that money, it's value was established. The value hasn't gone up since then. So basically, Michael Silver thinks Bob McNair is a good owner because he had a lot of money before buying a team. That makes sense, since number 5 on Silver's list is DANIEL FUCKING SNYDER.

Personally, I do not care one bit about that NFL Network crap going on. Mostly because I have DirecTV and already get the NFL Network. At any rate, I don't see how the NFL Network negotiations impact his value as an owner of the Broncos, only as a negotiator for the league, and eff the league- they make enough money already.

Granted, Denver voters gave Bowlen his new money making toy, and the profits from the naming rights, but at least Bowlen spends the money. We all know that Coloradans only care about recreation and roads to get to that recreation, and Bowlen provides for us.

My top 5 owners, in whatever order, would go: Dan Rooney, Pittsburgh; Robert Kraft, New England; Pat Bowlen, Denver; Jerry Jones, Dallas; Jerry Richardson, Carolina; and the Packers fans who own Green Bay.

*special thanks to me, or crapping out now 4 posts in the last 2 days, despite nothing actually happening. I really need a hobby.

2007-07-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Say Goodnight, Pro Space Football

NFL Europa is no longer. It's really surprising that the venture wasn't more successful. They took players who weren't any good, put them in a place that doesn't like Americans or American sports, and expected the people there to pay attention to the crap version of a complicated sport at the same time as qualifying for Euro 2008 (note- that's a soccer competition).

In theory, Pro Space Football was supposed to be a sort of minor league operation for developing potentially talented young players. Denver sent over Teyo Johnson this year- a guy who has failed in three years with the Raiders and the Cardinals. Dr. Z from Sports Illustrated has his own take, and as usual, he's probably right:

Promoting football in Europe? It was minimal at best. A training ground? Maybe it had a little of that since they did get experience. But what it really accomplished was that it locked up a number of players for the NFL. Kept them from looking elsewhere. Kept them away from some David Dixon type who is always looking for investors ready to start a new, rival league. In other words, kept the competition, if it really did exist, at bay. But I guess they didn't feel it was worth the effort or the expense.

It also allowed teams to keep extra roster spots longer into training camp, by the by. When talking about success stories from NFL Europa, I read where a spokesman cited Nick Ferguson. Um, yeah.

I really don't understand why the NFL feels the need to expand overseas. In my opinion, the NFL is so popular because 99% of the players are Americans, whom we've been following since high school. Nothing in the world is more boring than the second round of the NBA draft, when everyone drafted is from Estonia and has a name like an eye chart. Or they're DJ Strawberry.

The thing I love about the NFL is that it's only one day week I have to devote. With other sports, it's every day of the week. Baseball ruins me:
"Hey, what are you doing today?"
Me: "Dodger game, Brad Penny vs. Jake Peavy."
"Tomorrow?"
Me: "um, I think Chad Billingsley goes tomorrow. "

I'm damn useless. But football is like a holiday, once a week. My friends come over and we watch the Broncos and set up another TV for Sunday Ticket. But now the NFL is on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. College goes Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday... It's dilution. There's Football for Retards (Arena League) during the offseason, and now Mark Cuban is thinking of starting a new league. You know what I watched yesterday? Canadian football. It's kind of cool- they get 12 players, and seemingly no motion rules, and the fields are big, and you only get 3 downs. But I still only watched it during the commercials of the Dodger game. It's saturation.

There's baseball and Copa America, and the U-20 World Cup in soccer. We don't need more football. We need a break, and this is coming from a football blogger who bitches about no Bronco news. I love football, but the only way I'm watching another league is if there's a team with Mike Pritchard, Brandon Drumm, JJ Billingsley, Bobby Pesavento, and Bobby Purify on the team. Well, at least the Alaskan Assassin.

The NFL does not need a minor league- they already have it. It's called NCAA Football. At least that's a minor league featuring an organization from which I hold a degree.

This is really just a rant at this point. Pro Space Football was dumb. I tried to pay attention but couldn't. Fuck it- there's a Sunset Tan marathon on, and John From Cincinnati, Entourage, and Flight of the Conchords are on later.

*note: while typing this, I just heard a Pogues song used in a commercial for a Cadillac SUV. Unacceptable

2007-07-01T11:57:00.001-07:00

The Second Greatest Hero Of All

As usual, I'm late the party, but here goes anyway:

I've already anointed Commish CH from Slushy Gutter Summer as the Greatest Hero of All for his goal to drink 5280 beers between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Well if he's number one, then JT from Colorado Homers is number two, but not like in the dookie sense. In the hero sense.

JT is organizing John Elway Day this coming Saturday, 7/7/07. Get it? If not, then you're not fit to celebrate John Elway Day. Or read this blog. Or wear shoes that don't involve velcro.

You can read all about it at the link up there. Not only is JT organizing John Elway Day, but apparently I once moved into his old apartment in Boulder and inherited his roommate's Playboy subscription, so he's given me two gifts- the gift of Elway Day and the gift of naked ladies, so I should probably award him the Nobel Prize in Gifts. I wish I cared about something enough to organize a holiday or a summer of organized drinking. If I were to award me a Nobel Prize, it would have to be the Nobel Prize of Resting Quietly.

Also of note, John Elway's Colorado Crush will be playing the San Jose Somethings on John Elway Day. After doing some research, I've determined that "Colorado Crush" are an Arena League football team, which, based on the 5 minutes I've spent watching Arena Football in my life, is a sport for people who are too stupid to understand the subtle nuance of Smear The Queer*. Whatever- root for this Colorado Crush thing, with all the players they have, or go eat an extremely average steak at Elway's restaurant, or buy a used Honda Civic from one of his old dealerships, or go cheat on your wife as an homage to John, or do shots of whiskey with me in honor of the time I did shots of whiskey with John. But celebrate John Elway Day!

*note: in hindsight, is there a more horrible name for a supposedly innocent childhood game? Nope, not until someone invents a sport like Kick The Can, but called "Eradicate The Pending Jew Takeover Threat" or something .

2007-07-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well, Something Was Too Dark

Some guy I never heard of was arrested back in March. The cops said they pulled him over for having window tint that was too dark. From the article:

"Hill said the department has been cracking down on window tint violations because too dark windows block an officer's view of who is inside a car and can put the officer in a dangerous situation."

Let's examine this. You pulled him over, theoretically, because not seeing into the car puts officers into a dangerous situation. Had the officers not pulled him over, they wouldn't have been in any situation, dangerous or not. They would've gone on their way, growing their mustaches and harassing teenagers. So the cops put themselves in a situation that they then decided was too dangerous because of dark, um, windows. Yes, windows. That's it.

Point two: Have the cops in Charlotte never seen a conversion van? These are the vans you see parked outside middle schools all day long. Usually they have a big mural of a wolf on a mesa or an ancient mythical valkyrie on the side. The valkyrie often is in a bikini and is carrying a spear. They don't have any windows at all. Do the Charlotte police pull these guys over for "Driving While Van?" I sure hope so, otherwise they could potentially be passing up the chance to put themselves into dangerous situations. Who knows what's inside the van? It could be a team of crack guerrilla terrorist warriors hell bent on destroying the city of Charlotte, or it could have a guy in a trench coat handing out lollipops and telling kids to "lick it slower. Slooooowweerrrr. Yeah, just that Tiffany." My van has a sweet water bed and a disco ball and a sticker on the outside that says, "If this van's a rockin, don't wait up for your mom."

I have no idea what the point of this post is any more. Let me go back and check...

...oh yeah- this guy was definitely arrested for Driving While Black. I can definitely sympathize. I'm often arrested for Driving While Handsome, usually by two busty lady cops fresh out of the academy. They say, "I'm sorry sir, but we're going to have to frisk you," and then they pull out their handcuffs, only the handcuffs are the fuzzy kind, which I'm pretty sure aren't police issued. It's pretty traumatizing, until the busty lady cops and I team up to catch the smugglers, and we all find the love that turned out to be right in font of our eyes the whole time. My story was recently turned into a movie so that others might learn from my plight. It's called "Passionate Justice," and can currently be seen on Cinemax.

2007-06-28T12:32:00.001-07:00

Vic Carucci is Phoning It In

Vic Carucci over at nfl.com is obviously having trouble generating interest in this time of year. He's listed the five teams who have done the most this offseason, and the five who have done the least. It's pretty standard practice for this time of year, when there's nothing to report, and nothing to analyze, for writers to make up top 5 or top 10 lists, just to get people to read their tripe. Really, the NFL should change their Hall of Fame voting to be released right about now, so that people could at least bitch about Art Monk not getting in. Does that ever get old, hearing fat Redskins fans in dresses and pig noses complain about a pretty good receiver not getting in to the Hall of Fame? Answer- no, no it does not.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah- top 5 offseason. New England's there, of course. Adalius Thomas, Randy Moss, blah blah blah. Next up comes San Francisco with their Nate Clements and their Safety Who Only Missed One Tackle In His Entire College Career. No problem there. Third came Detroit. Vic lists "upgrades" including The Human Turnstile, FumblePants, and TJ Duckett. Way to improve, Detroit! Fourth was Tampa Bay, who added 47 backup quarterbacks, a tackle with a broken leg, and Cato June. Last on the list was the Browns, who added a guard, two rookies, and Jamal Lewis. My stance on Jamal Lewis is well known.

So you're telling me that a team that added a Pro Bowl corner, potential Pro Bowl tight end, edge rushing rookie end, reliable slot receiver, and Pro Bowl running back didn't do better than Detroit, Tampa, and Cleveland? For shame, Vic Carucci. Maybe the Sam Adams thing did the Broncos in. When asked for comment, Sam Adams was dismayed to learn that this reporter was, in fact, going to finish his chili fries.

Really, Oakland improved the most. Any time your team subtracts Art Shell, Tom Walsh, and Aaron brooks from your roster, you're bound to be better. They could have a big wheel on the sidelines, and the team could just have fans come up and spin the wheel, and on the wheel would be different plays. Those would be the plays that the offense would run. And it would still be more effective than Tom Walsh's offense, which I think he stole from Super Tecmo Bowl.

Also, stay tuned for my top 5 fashion trends for summer! Sneak preview- jean shorts. but shh, don't tell anyone!

2007-06-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Picking Off Some Scraps

There's absolutely nothing going on, and that's probably going to be the case until July 28th, which is the reporting date for training camp. That said, this little nugget did come across my desk (okay, not really, but don't be a dick about it. jeez):

"The Chiefs have a willing trade partner for Wesley in the Denver Broncos. The
teams have agreed on terms of draft-choice compensation, but the Chiefs have yet
to sign off on the deal in fear of sending him to a division rival."

Um, what? This is the same Greg Wesley who managed a whopping 67 tackles, 3 interceptions, and 4 passes defensed last year for the Chiefs. To put that in perspective, Nick Ferguson had 79 tackles, 5 interceptions, and 3 passes defensed in 2005, the last year he was healthy. Now recall that Nick Ferguson sucked that year. Last year, Greg Wesley had 5 assists. FIVE. From a free safety. That tells me that he doesn't exactly swarm to the ball, and 4 passes defensed does nothing to indicate that he's a force in pass coverage. you know what else tells me that he's no good? The fact that Kansas City ranked 2 spots behind Denver in total defense and wants to get rid of him. That sounds exactly like the addition I want to my team. Especially considering Shanahan was telling anyone who would listen that Denver didn't draft a safety because there was no one who would make the team, and basically going up and down about the depth in the secondary. Yes, let's add Greg Wesley to that depth.

A safety rotation of Wesley, Ferguson, and Lynch sounds exactly like something the Broncos would do, however. For reference, see the Browncos defensive lineman. To Denver's front office, a whole shitload of mediocre absolutely equals just enough good. It's like my buddy who brags about dating three chicks at once, until you realize one of them is fat, the other one's fat and annoying, and the third one's a retard. "Yes, but I'm still nailing three chicks!" Oh yeah, well I'm nailing one, but I'm not ashamed to be seen with her in public, she doesn't need a sippy cup to keep from spilling all over herself, and she makes awesome sandwiches, so who's the real winner here? As usual- me.

I guess this is a pretty unsubstantiated rumor, but the internet: unsubstantiated rumor :: my ex girlfriend is to: STD's, meaning they are both conduits of spreading like crazy. Yeah, Gina, I'm talking about you. Bitch. Also, if you didn't get all the dots up there- go take the SAT's. Dumbass.

2007-06-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

Live Free or Die Hard Is Awesome

So I just got out of a screening of Live Free or Die Hard, starring Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant, um, that awesome guy from the Apple commercials, and some chick I'd really like to sex. The movie was great. Lots of great stunts, the usual snappy Die Hard dialogue, and I doubt you'll really notice the PG-13 rating. It gets a little cheese when the plane appears, but you can see that yourself.

Len Wiseman was the director. He's famous for making awful Underworld movies and somehow talking his way into the pants of Kate Beckinsdale. I was worried about him, but the first action sequence put everything to rest, with some really fantastic stunt work and one beautiful shot. Also, there are a couple of those guys who run and bounce around everything like a damn Gummi Bear, like at the beginning of Casino Royale. In the end, a bunch of dudes get killed, a bunch of shit gets blown up, and I left the movie wanting to fight people. Isn't that the point of an action movie?

When Silver Suerfer came out, I thought it would open at $60 million and then drop to $20 million on the second weekend. It opened at $57 million and then dropped to $20,009,476. Thast said, I'm not really good at judging these 5 day opening "weekends," so I'm going with $75 million. Next up, Transformers next Tuesday.

2007-06-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

YouTube means it's boring.

I'm not a big fan of the youtubes, because I can't really watch anything with sound at work. Also, Blogger always effs up the html coding, whatever the hell that means. But we're not really working today, because it's nice outside and the boss doesn't work on Fridays. Whatever, check out this sweet video of a fat kid almost dying and his mom laughing her Aussie ass off. See, fatsos- even your parents wish you were dead.

2007-06-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

Some Guy I've Never Heard Of Got Arrested

Quincy Wilson becomes the 10th Bengal to get arrested. Notable is the fact that he got arrested in Huntington, West Virgina. Huntington is home to all around asshole O.J. Mayo, and West Virginia, as I've previously proven using a very scientific study, is the most horrible place on the planet. Cincinnati is pretty awful in it's own right (how soon we forget Dontonio Wingfield). I'm pretty sure they're all just pissed that their only claim to fame got cancelled. They should probably just build a big fence around West Virginia and turn it into The Running Man. It could be on TV. Mark Burnett could produce. Cincinnati would be used for the finals every year. Fuck American Gladiators. Since I'm talking so much about TV right now, I'd like to announce that the following is the definitive list for top 3 television shows of all time:

Flight of The Conchords
Lancelot Link
The second time I watch Flight of the Conchords

2007-06-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

You Know Why Gin Is The Awesomest Of The Berry Juices?

Because if you drink enough of it, you decide it's a great idea to do awesome stuff like buy this off of ebay. It's way awesomer than buying a Darius Watts jersey, which will set you back SEVENTY BONES.

Note- if you don't believe me, then you don't know me well enough. I consider one of the great tragedies in my life my decision to bypass purchasing a Maurice Clarett Broncos jersey for $10. I have purchased ProSet Musicards and medals for the Special Olympics off of ebay. Yes, I have a problem.

My goal is to create an entire Bronco motif for game day. It would include Broncos Zubaz, my new Van Pelt jersey, a whole shit load of Icy Cold Coors Light, and a Champ Bailey Fathead. Once again, I am not joking.

2007-06-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

These Are The People In Your Neighborhood

Cruising the trey dubs for rad shit

I'm generally not big on links, because I'm pretty lazy and also self-centered, but here's some stuff that shouldn't go unnoticed. None of this shit has anything to do with football. Through my Magic Mirror, I see all the boys and girls out there! Especially the girls. If they're not wearing shirts. But I don't link to those. Perverts.

I know lots of people are busy saluting the troops, or teachers, or firefighters who rescue puppies, but those guys are all bitches. This guy is the one who is the greatest hero of all. He deserves way more than a stupid internet link. He deserves the Nobel prize for Chemistry.
If that other guy deserved the Nobel Prize for Chemistry, then this guy definitely deserves the Nobel Prize for Physics. I'm especially fond of the Gravity Death Log. (note- this is old)
This is an article called Crying Over Spilled Semen so you know it's awesome. I'm trying to use this info to make up a new pick up line for the bars. So far, I think I'm going with (said in my best Professor Farnsworth voice): "Good news, everybody! It's also a suppository!"
This makes me happy, because it's yet another step toward my goal to create a robot army and take over the world.
This is the greatest movie in the history of movies.

2007-06-08T09:42:00.001-07:00

Just What In The GD Hell Is The Plan?

Apparently it's to acquire as many mediocre defensive tackles as possible, because Denver just picked up another one. This one's called Jimmy Kennedy, which is Spanish for Gerard Warren, which is Polish for Alvin McKinley, which is Canadian for Sam Adams, which is (just keep inserting nationalities) for Steven Harris, Demetrin Veal, Amon Gordon, and Antwon Burton. Also acquired via the draft was Marcus Thomas. By the by, that's the picture that Google Image Search came up with for Jimmy Kennedy, and I'm sticking with it, because I'm pretty sure our Jimmy Kennedy never won a shiny medal like that fat kid.

Seriously- what the fuck? He cost a 6th round pick. Is Jimmy Kennedy really going to make a difference at all? Right now Denver is trying to convince you that at the very least, Warren (big contract), McKinley, Adams, Kennedy, and Thomas (all high profile pickups) are going to get snaps. I guess Adams is too fat to get more than 10 a game, but that still leaves 4 guys for 2 spots. Maybe Warren gets cut before the season. Who knows. The Broncos just seem intent on winning via wave after underwhelming wave of fat black guys in different costumes. It's like dinner at the Klump's house!

2007-06-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

This Guy Is Starting At Linebacker

According to this article (at the bottom), Eddie Moore is running with the first team at strong side linebacker right now. I have no idea who or what Eddie Moore is, and that's a bad thing coming from someone who obsesses over sports because he has no semblance of a social life. So being the intrepid reporter I am, I decided to go all Jimmy Olsen and dig up the hot shit on Eddie Moore.

According to Google Image Search, Eddie Moore was formerly a groundskeeper at Isothermal Community College in North Carolina. Isothermal Community College's motto is "Improve Life Through Learning." Considering he's old and bald and works as a janitor, he seems pretty happy, and he's obviously well prepared with that pen in his pocket.

According to Wikipedia, Eddie Moore was a 2nd round draft pick in 2005 who has 35 total career tackles, once had a trade vetoed for failing a physical and didn't play at all last year. I guess that's why he picked up the janitorial job. Either way, I couldn't be more excited by the addition of Eddie Moore to Denver's starting lineup. Wait, not excited- appalled.

So here's my not at all early wish list for the 2007 draft at strong side linebacker:

Brian Cushing, USC
Shawn Crable, Michigan

Done.

2007-06-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

Meet Your Newest Fatso

According to Denver Post sycophant Bill Williamson, that giant tub of goo up there is well on his way to becoming your newest Denver Bronco:

According to an NFL source close to the situation, the Broncos are expected to
sign veteran defensive tackle Sam Adams to a one-year contract. The deal,
barring an unexpected breakdown, could be announced as soon as today.

I'm pretty much going to go ahead and report it as fact based on my Williamson to English dictionary. For instance, if he says, "Denver might..." it means he has absolutely no idea what the Denver front office is thinking and can't get past the guy who runs the Dove Valley lawn mowers when he tries to call (sources tell me that it has been updated to a riding mower, so congrats on that!), so he just looks into his Magic 8 Ball and hopes for the best. If he says, "an NFL source..." it means, "a Bronco PR person told me to say in these exact words..." so we can be pretty sure that Sam Adams is coming to Denver.

As for the signing- I guess it's better than the Fat Daddy fiasco, since they didn't have to give up a draft pick and (conceivably) they actually checked to see whether or not he wanted to come to Denver before signing him. Otherwise, I'm pretty nonplussed about the whole thing. I know how much new defensive coordinator Jim Bates loves the enormos lining up inside, and Adams is truly an enormo. Guys his size should really have to wear numbers in the hundreds because two digits doesn't do them justice. But really: Sam Adams? Denver does realize that the Bengals cut him, right? Do they also realize that the Bengals defense sucked? Can the front office at least pretend to sign someone with any sort of perceived upside? The only upside Sam Adams knows at this point is upside down cake (HEY-OH!). I guess our front office remembers what happened the last time they picked up a guy on the rise. Bertrand Berry came in and got all sorts of good, and then he just left us. Dumped us for more money to go to Arizona. It was like marrying a sort of nice looking chick with a good personality and then watching her discover Pilates and fake tits and then leaving us for a dentist in Fort Collins. A fucking dentist? Really, Gina? A dentist? Well fuck you, Gina! Fuck you!

...wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Bert Berry. Well the Broncos and I won't get hurt again. From now on, we're only picking up the mediocre or broken down. The ones who know they can't do any better, so they'll put up with our bullshit. Now go make me a turkey pot pie, bitch.

update: in the time it took me to crap out that rant, the deal apparently became official. Congratulations to me and Bill Williamson and me on the scoop!

2007-05-29T14:47:00.001-07:00

News is SLOOOOOWWWWW

Jeez, the perfect storm of a slow news cycle and a busy real world has resulted in unfortunate lag time to updates here. I'd like to draw your attention to the above photograph. It's from the current front page of si.com, from an article about Michael Vick being a horrible person. I honestly have no idea what's been said about the situation, but I'd still like to throw my 2 cents in. Is it about Clinton Portis being an idiot? nope. It's about this here house. First, notice the unkempt yard, complete with pathetic looking bird bath. Next, check out the full court basketball court, a requisite for any pro athlete. Now check just below the court on the far left.

WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC-ASS REDNECK HAS A PROPERTY THAT SIZE AND STILL HAS A SORRY-ASS ABOVE GROUND POOL? If I was Mike Vick, I'd be screaming to the media- "naw, man, that's where I stage dogs fight. And sometimes midget fights. Next summer, I might raise baby turtles in there. That ain't no above ground pool." Unless that above ground pool regularly features lime jello and backwoods Virginia girls with low self esteem looking to make an extra twelve dollars, there is absolutely no excuse for an above ground pool.

2007-05-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Edgerrin James is Tough

Normally, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make fun of an extremely large pro football player from Miami, but Edgerrin James doesn't know where I live, so fuck him. Here's a quote from Michael Silver's latest si.com article:

The feeling of excitement hasn't abated, with one very tangible signal of
change: On Whisenhunt's recommendation, tightfisted Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill
spent $200,000 to upgrade the weight room in line with strength and conditioning
coach John Lott's communal, Olympic-style approach. "Great for team chemistry,"
James says. "It has that prison-yard feel."

Now I don't know how many prison yards Edgerrin James has been around, but I consider myself something of an expert. I haven't been to prion or anything, but I have seen every episode of Oz, both Scared Straight movies, and an episode of Malcolm In The Middle where Reese goes for a get tough prison program. Obviously, I'm a damn expert.

That's why I have no problem saying that prison yards aren't typically great for team chemistry, unless by "chemistry," he means lots of shankings and butt rape. But what do I know- maybe that's what passes for rookie hazing right now. I bet Leinart would sell for the most packs of cigarettes. Further, I'm guessing that the "Olympic-style" weight room is a little better equipped than prison yards. I think prison yard weight sets are just big piles of rocks and pick axes to break those rocks, whereas Edgerrin James finishes lifting and sits in a hot tub while hookers feed him grapes. At least that's what my weight room experience was like when I was in the Olympics.